Life

I'm feeling a lot these days. I'm feeling stressed and busy and hectic. I'm feeling tired and lazy and lost. I'm feeling happy and hopeful and responsible.
The thing about the responsible feeling though, the thing is that it feels forced. It's just not me. I'm not equipped to handle real life, I'm just pretending to be. Although I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job at pretending. Paying bills, making rent, going to work, going to class. Making coffee in the morning, going to the gas station, checking the mail, eating fast food, listening to the radio, getting stuck in traffic, sitting through lectures, reading textbooks.
I see how people end up doing nothing with their lives. Because all the mundane things take up all the time. I used to look at people who were doing nothing except going to work everyday and going to the drive-thru at McDonalds and going to bed at ten at night and think how sad they were. Pathetic, I thought. But now that's me and I don't feel pathetic. I feel used up and bored and it's hard for me to get any creative energy flowing. But I don't feel pathetic because this is what I have to do. I have to work a job. I have to go to school. I have to do these things. Right?
Because as far as I can tell this is the only path. I have no other discernible talents. I can't join a band and become famous. I can't just pack and travel across the country because I'm broke and I'm too scared and socially awkward. I can't do the things I want to because they're unrealistic and unachievable.
I really shouldn't complain. I love so many things about my life. My friends and my family are fucking amazing. It's just that I feel like I'm settling into this dull rut and I'm a little scared that this is what life is like for everyone and no one ever bothered to tell me.

Life Moves Forward

It's been a while since I've updated this blog because I have no internet in my new place! But I am home visiting my mom right now so I'm eating all her food and using the wi-fi like there's no tomorrow.
So basically here is the update on my life. The new house is great, I love it entirely. It's small but it's homey and all my friends make it feel as if I've lived there my whole life. We cook meals together, play old video games on the N64, smoke, and watch movies. It's pretty fantastic. I even managed to make rent with no problems, although it did leave me broke but it's worth it to be living there. The area is a little shady but about two blocks down is the coolest district in Lansing which is Old Town. There's a river walk, antique stores, cafes, and boutiques. So it's worth the slightly shady neighborhood.
I met a guy through my job at the mall. His name is Marc and he has many tattoos and piercings and he's tall and funny and I have a total crush on him.
My classes are even better than I thought they would be. They're challenging and interesting and time flies when I'm studying the material. I never thought I would actually ENJOY a biology class, but I do.
I got my car back! My car had been at the mechanics for a little over 3 months and for about 3 weeks of that time I had two jobs and classes to make it to every day and no ride to get there. So now that I have it back I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
Plus, Autumn is going to be in Michigan very soon and this makes me very very happy! Fall is absolutely my favorite season and it's the best in the Mitten State. I'm psyched to wear scarves and sweaters and skinny jeans and drink pumpkin lattes on my way to class.
So basically I've been busy and life gets a little tiring sometimes, but overall I feel really really good about everything. Every once and a while I stop and take a breath and just smile at how awesome my life is right now. I get the feeling that this will be one of the best years of my life.

So Happy

I'm so happy with my life right now. My frame of mind is so completely unlike last year around this time when I was worried and tense about college and leaving my friends behind. Now I am moving in with them, I'm taking classes I adore, and I have a job to hand me a steady paycheck. Plus the guy I'm going to be living with has a constant stream of weed and he cooks the most delicious fucking pizzas. True story. Also, one of my best friend's birthdays is this weekend and she always throws awesome parties.
I feel so complete, so together, so organized. It is absolutely awesome.
I feel like for once I made the right choices, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel incredibly hopeful, it's the best feeling I've had in a long time.
I feel like I get to spend the next year of my life living in my own place, with some of my best friends smoking weed, having parties, going to school and just fucking LIVING. Living the way I want to, not having to answer to anyone. I'm just so DAMN HAPPY!

Short Term Goals:
-Download a lot of the Fray and Led Zepplin for long bus rides I will probably be taking
-Get my first paycheck and buy cozy cardigans and new skinny jeans for the fall and classes
-Get my room packed and ready to move
-Buy a clear stud to wear in my nose piercing at work
-Be awesome at my new job
-Finish getting my loan money figured out
-Be this happy all the time

California in the Morning

Tomorrow I will be leaving my house at 4 a.m. to begin my long journey to the West coast. By noon or perhaps a little after, I will be in San Diego California wondering how I am so damn lucky. I will spend the week body-boarding, riding bikes along the pier, hiking in La Jolla, shopping in a huge flea market, and eating delicious west coast edibles.
I still really can't believe this is happening. This has been a goal of mine since I was a little kid and now I finally get to experience it. After all, the last time I was in California I was five years old and I cried and threw a tantrum when Shamu splashed me at Sea World. Not quite a dream vacation. But this time will be different. I will get a feel for the place. I will experience the vibes and see if I feel at home there the way I always thought I would. I will try to update from the road, but no promises seeing as I'm traveling with carry-on luggage only and I don't know if my laptop is going to fit.

Diet Update

I am currently at my lowest weight. I'm seriously zoned in on reaching my target weight and I really feel like I can do it. Every other time I've tried I've been my own worst enemy. I just couldn't find enough excuses as to why I couldn't lose weight. I realize now that the only excuse is that I was too damn lazy to do it. I really feel proud of myself for this recent weight loss though. I can tell you the weight watchers points in just about everything without even using a calculator. I know exactly what I've eaten every day. I know how much exercise I've gotten and whether it was enough to spend a few extra points on the weekend. I know every freaking detail about dieting.
I think my biggest downfall is smoking weed. Munchies really put a damper on weight loss. It's like pot shuts down the part of my brain telling me to get outside and exercise and the part that says eat the apple instead of the french fries. Instead, it lights up the part that says these chips are worth every pound you gain, or Ramen noodles really aren't THAT high in salt. Oh well, such is life.
By the way, that's me in the orange-ish shirt with the goofy smile. I wanted to find a better picture to show you guys the size I am now, but I couldn't so this what you get.
So there's the summer diet update. The next post I write will probably be about Blissfest because that's next weekend, unbelievably.

Summer To-Do List

I feel I have been putting off making a summer goal list. It's strange because when I was in high school my friends and I would spend weeks and months perfecting this magical list of highlights. But I think our lives are less predictable now. We also have much more to fill our days leading up to summer break so we don't have as much time to think about it. Nonetheless, here is my own little list. (The completed ones are in red)

1. Spend less time on the internet
2. Eat healthier
3. Take more bike rides
4. Watch a sunrise
   
5. Stop worrying about money and enjoy the free time
6. Write more
7. Draw more
8. So something creative each day
9. Read a few new books
10. Buy a new article of clothing that I feel good in
11. Take a trip to Lake Michigan with my friends
12. Go camping
13. Go to California, take a million pictures and blog about it
14. Cut back on the cigarettes
15. Take a deep breath once in a while and just be happy
16. Get to my goal weight
17. Once at my goal weight, get my tattoo to celebrate
    

The Laws of Stoners

So my friends and I decided that it would be a brilliant idea to make a book full of rules and guidelines for people who smoke weed. Just the type of stuff that you learn along the way, the little things, the habits you pick up. So here are a few we came up with along with a few of my own ideas.

1. Bring a drink with you when you go to smoke. Especially if you're going to someone's house where you aren't comfortable helping yourself to a glass of something. Bring something like water or iced tea, not pop because it will only make you more thirsty. My personal favorites are Mucho Mango Arizona Tea or Vitamin Water.
2. Bring some eye drops. Not only will it cover up the red eyes it will also feel awesome when your eyeballs feel like the Sahara desert. Plus, then you can offer to everyone else in the group.
3. If you're buying from a 'friend of a friend' try to have your middleman go with you to avoid awkward vibes and a general threat of being kidnapped.
4. Learn to break it up and pack a bowl. You don't have to know how to roll joints (I sure don't) but it's nice to have the basic skills in case you end up in a group of people, then you can politely offer to pack a bowl.
5. Own your own smoking device, whether it's a bong or a bowl or a one hitter, to avoid having to use a pop can or bottle.
6. The first time you smoke, you should be somewhere chilled out. You shouldn't be worried about your friends parents walking in and you shouldn't be with a bunch of people you vaguely know. You should be on a couch with your friends and a marathon of movies.
7. Hit the gas station or a fast food place before you smoke down. Because that cheeseburger or bag of chips will sound better than you could imagine and you won't have the motivation to go afterward.
8. If you're going to a party and bringing your stash, expect to have people asking to smoke it with you. If you want it all to yourself or to your small group of friends, smoke it before you go.
9. Do not smokebox anything if you are planning on going into public at any time in the near future.
10. Don't try to plan everything. By this I mean, don't plan on smoking and then doing something specific like taking a walk because after you smoke something else may sound way better. Like sitting around listening to music or laying outside and stargazing. Just leave it up to chance.