art

I am very confused as to what I want to do with my life right now. I am utterly in love with art history but I also realize how incredibly impractical it is as a major and a career choice. I feel like I want so many things. I want to travel, study abroad, graduate. I want to go to Rome, Paris, Venice. I want to sit in the Louvre and gaze at works by Rubens, Rembrandt, Caravaggio. I feel so completely engulfed and immersed and overwhelmingly swallowed up by art when I see it. I want to spend my life devoted to teaching others about art. I want, more than anything, to indulge this passion of mine. But I just don't think I have it in me to get a masters degree, especially in an area that is so difficult to break into. I wish there was another way to use Art history that didn't require a masters or a PHD. I want art to always be a part of my life, it makes me whole, I come alive when I see a beautiful painting. I light up in a way that nothing else causes. It's cheesy, but it really stirs something inside of me and I don't know how to explain it. But I don't want to let it go. I don't know how to hold onto it. Maybe it's just some stage of my life, a phase I'm going through. Maybe this will pass. But I just fee like I shouldn't take for granted the fact that I am so completely and utterly in love with this.

To be a traveler

What does one require to become a traveler of the world.
Money. Of which I have very little. But I wonder how far I could get on what I have in my bank account right now. Maybe out of the country if I'm lucky.
Guts. Bravery. I don't know if I have guts or not. I've never been in a situation that was extreme enough to find out. Which makes me worry I've never really felt what it's like to be alive.
I just feel that someone who travels the whole globe on a whim and has the guts to go into places they've never been, attempt languages they've never spoken, and befriend people they have never met, are daring. That's the only word I can think of. And I don't know if I've ever thought of daring as a word that comes to mind when describing myself. I wish it was. I wish I had the strength to jump into the deep end feet first without a second thought. I know what I want. I want to travel the world. I want to see things, meet people, fall in love, actually experience something, really fucking FEEL something. I feel like I'm living my life with the lights off. I need to open my eyes. How does a person become daring anyway? Because I want to leave right now. Pack a bag empty my bank account and just fucking GO SOMEWHERE. But I can't do it. I'm paralyzed by the unknown. Insecure about things I might fail at so I never try. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to begin.

I just want to run away from all my problems. I want to run in the other direction and never look back. The thought is so comforting to me. That I don’t have to be here, that someday I’ll escape to another time and another place in my life. Future me. Suture me will be loved by a man. Future me will see the world. Future me will live in a new and exciting place and have a career in writing. Future me will be beauitful and flirty and the life of the party. Someday maybe I’ll actually have the courage to start making future me happen. But for now I cower in the shadow of familiarity and cringe at the thought of doing anything that could make me more afraid than I already am. No matter where you go, there you are.

I am so lonely that it physically pains me. Just to watch a love scene in a movie makes my heart hurt. To see two people in physical intimate contact makes me want to cry. I haven’t even had someone’s hand in my hand in over five years. I feel it will always be this way. I’ve accepted it because I’m too afraid to hope for anything better. I feel there’s no way a man could ever physically love me, want me, let alone want to have sex with me. I want to be held. I want to be loved and touched and kissed. God I want so fucking badly to be kissed. More than anything in the entire world. I would give my life just to feel what it’s like to be kissed. Jesus Christ I am so fucking lonely I just stare at the ceiling each night wondering what it’s like to have someone sleep next to you. To have someone to hold, cuddle, and yes to have sex with. Sex is something I feel like I will never have. I want so badly to know that intimacy and closeness that comes with sex. The physical part and the emotional part. I feel like I will never know it. I’m afraid of dying this way. Of living my life with a constant thread of loneliness in every piece of my life. Someone save me please because this is one fear I have no control over.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

This week is really not going my way. I am beyond frustrated. I had the worst night ever at work last night. When I try to tell other people about it they brush it off and say something like oh it’s no big deal you’re still learning. But I feel terrible about it. It’s weighing really heavily on my mind and I feel weirdly awful. Basically I feel like fucking shit. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m missing out on my own life. I hate the feeling of having to wake up everyday and follow so many goddamn rules and listen to everything everyone says. I don’t want to be rich I don’t care if I drive a fucking BMW I don’t give a shit if I live in a big house. All I want is enough money to survive on and live my life. Actually fucking live it without any expectations or timelines or obligations. I just want an escape I feel so gddamn trapped like I’m screaming in a crowded room and everyone hears it and says don’t worry it’s fine it’s just life it’s hard and boring but you do what you have to. Well fuck that I don’t want any of this shit I want my own life my own expectations my own rules. I just want to not feel like shit I want to not be afraid I want to not be unhappy and bored and FUCK.