Always

Why do I always end up being the one on the ouside looking in? The one who does the wrong thing, the messy one, the unprepared one. I feel like an asshole!

Just once I would like to be the one with everything in it's proper place. Going to the right parties, talking to the right people, picking the right school, knowing exactly what I'm doing. Having everything completely neat and orderly, completely squared away. That would be the fucking dream right there.

I just feel like such a cliche sometimes. I don't want to validate the stereotype of fuck up hippie loser, because that's sort of the reputation I have right now. But I'm not doing a very good job of nullifying that persona at the moment. I smoke too much weed, I don't go to class, I don't go out into the world and do things, and I don't make any substantial effort to change.

I think I just suck at social interaction with large groups. Give me a small group of people to chill with, and I'm down. Give me a room full of strangers and tell me to make conversation, I would be out of there so fast. I am just to much of an introvert, to much of a recluse, to succeed in college sozialization. It is just not for me.

I also have this theory that I might be a little more on the strange side than many of my peers. I tend to have tastes for things that may be classified as weird or uncommon, instead of just accepting whatever it may be that is popular that day. So that's that.

The Horizon

I am very very confused on what I want to do with my life. In general, and next year specifically. I don't know if college is the place for me. I just don't feel like myself. I'm not unhappy by any means but I'm also not ecstatic either. I'm just kind of...existing. I feel like I spend a lot of time doing nothing and a lot of time feeling nothing. I'm not O.K. with such a mundane life like the one I feel I have now.

So, in light of this fact I'm considering my options for next year. Here's what I have come up with so far.

1) Transfer to Western to be with my friends. The negative here is that I will still be going to classes everyday and parties on the weekends, which is basically what I am doing now. And right now I'm not that happy. The other negative is that Western is my rival, currently. Western and Central are kind of arch nemesis' so I would have to swallow my pride and admit their school is better; a fact of which I'm not entirely sure. For all I know it's just another college. The plus is that I will be around my friends again, and generally I'm happier in their presence.

2)Pick a random town and move there for a year. For this I'm thinking Maine, or somewhere else on the East Coast. Somwhere I can go to find an affordable studio apartment by the water, take some creative writing classes at a local school, and spend my time doing things I love. Things I love being, writing, listening to music, going to festivals, and, in all honesty, smoking weed. Somewhere I can go for a year and just LIVE.

3) Join the Peace Corps/ CCs. This has been a dream of mine pretty much forever. The only problem with the Peace Corps is the required amount of time you have to volunteer for, which is two years. Two years is a hell of a long time if I end up somewhere that I hate. But I think it would be an amazing life experience to go to a completely different world and live for an extended amount of time. To be immersed in culture shock and meet people that I would have otherwise never been able to meet. I'm still researching this option, but in all honesty I think it would be an incredible way to spend a year.

4) My last thought, and probably the most mundane, is to go live at home and go to community college for a year. I know that compared to my other options it may seem like a boring and stupid option, but it would be cheap and give me more time to find out what I'm really looking for. It would also give me a chance to save some money up for ehatever it may be I end up doing after a year. The down side to this option is that by the time I move home, the friends that currently reside there will be gone. One to Northern and one to Western. So I may end up back at home doing nothing for a year, being as completely bored as I am now.

So this is what is happening inside my head right now. This post is really really long so I'll end it now.

Weeds

My friends and I had this ritual this summer.

Basically, we would go over to my friend Dann's house, get incredibly baked, and watch full seasons of the Showtime series 'Weeds'. I mean, this really makes perfect sense if you think about it. Watching a show all about the growing, selling, and smoking of pot while smoking large amounts of it. It works right?

Not right.

I don't know if any of you dear followers have ever smoked weed but it has this nasty habit of making you very unfocused and very very forgetful while you're in the hazy state of being stoned. This quality is the very reason I choose to smoke marijuana but in this particular situation it did not help.

You see, I really like the show Weeds. I think it's brilliant, has an amazing soundtrack, and some intense plot lines. The problem being that even though I watched three of the six seasons this summer during these marathon smoke sessions, I remember very little of what actually happened in the show. It's not that I stopped caring what was happening after I got high. It's that I would see something in the show and care way too much about it. I would spend five minutes thinking about that one thing and by the time I tuned back into reality something really important would have happened and it would be lost on me.

Hahaha, to me this is hilarious. But also annoying. So, I recently started a trial of Netflix and I have spent the past few days re-watching the first three seasons and it has been a very weird exprience. I'll be watching an episode completely immersed in the plot and all of a sudden it will be like deja vu. I'll remember the specific part that's happening and from there the entire episode will come back to me and I'll be like shit! I already watched this! Just thought I would share this with you seeing as it's how I've been spending the last few days of my life.

We're here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff!

Hmm so...college has been so many ups and downs for me so far.
One day I'll lose my I.D. and end up in my car searching for it because I don't have the ridiculous amount of money they charge to replace it. The next I'll be happily making trips to 7-11 with Emily for late night slushis and cigarettes.
I don't know if the ups are balancing the downs or not.
Sometimes I feel like it would be easier if I just moved home next year and got an apartment and went to school in Lansing. But then I think, what is there for me at home? All my friends will have moved onto better things by then and I will still be floundering, wondering what it is I'm supposed to be doing with my life.
All I know is that I look forward to the weekends when I go home and I feel obligated when I'm here. I'm happy when I meet people here but I miss the feeling of high school where everything was so carefree and everyone was so incredibly tight knit.
In all honesty I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Besides that deperessing thought, things have been alright. I applied for a job today and don't have any homework to do tonight which is truly a miracle. I got an awesome package in the mail from home that had bubble containers that look like ice cream in it. I didn't sleep in or skip class and I got my assignments in on time. I drove around in my car for a while smoking cigarettes and listening to indie rock on the radio. I was happy looking at the blue sky and happy listening to Neil Young on my ipod. Plus, the cafeteria had peanut butter pie today. Score.

Misery loves company

So I have officially become bipolar. Bipolar as Fuck.
Just got a phone call reassuring me of how fucked my life is.
What am I doing wrong with this whole college thing?
My friend came to visit last weekend and this weekend went to visit someone else. When she came to see me we had an ok time. We didn't go to any big parties
So, anyhow, this weekend she went to this other school and had a wonderful fucking time. She has already been to at least 7 different parties and has met many cool people. So I just got a phone call telling me how much fun it is at this other school. And it just felt like...Fuck.
I legitimately do not know what I want or how I'm supposed to go about getting whatever the Fuck it is!

Mole People

So...yah.

It's cold outside and basically I've been in my room all day watching videos with Aaron Paul in them and videos about the legalization of marajuana. Don't even get me started on that subject by the way. It all just goes in a big circle with a whole lot of repetitive points.

So yah, besides class today I've pretty much been a recluse. Oh, and the so called 'floor dinner' I went to a few minutes ago. Where one half of the floor crowded around a table and didn't really leave room for anyone else. Wooo.

Nah, it wasnt as bad as it sounds I just sat with my roomate and a couple other people.

This week is passing soooo slowly. Earlier I really felt like I was stoned. Legitimately.

Time was passing slowly, I couldn't stop laughing, and the scent of lemon juice combined with the smell of cigarettes to make a scent that is ridiculously similar to weed. Woah.

Soooo Wheatland in a couple days. Excitiiiing.

Till then, slightly bored. But it's all good.

In fact, I think that's gonna be my new life motto.

SLIGHTLY BORED, BUT IT'S ALLL GOOD.

Suck

Sooo I feel alone. I hate math. I wish I didn't suck so bad at everything. Fuck bipolar moods and fuck me being such a lame ass college freshman.