When I grow I want to be happy.

If I could have any job in the world it would be to grow and sell marijuana. I was thinking about it earlier today. I'm no criminal, not by a stretch, but I would love to get a license and grow my own plants and sell to enough people just to make ends meet. I have no interest in money. I don't care about having a big house and a nice car. I just want enough money to pay the bills and maybe do something fun once in a while. I just want free time and open spaces and a happy state of mind. I feel so damn unhappy so much of the time and I just don't believe that's how life is meant to be. I refuse to believe that.
I'm not living the way I'm supposed to yet. I haven't found where I fit in, where I belong, what I should do. I feel like school is a waste of time, I fucking hate working. I just want to earn enough to keep me alive. And I want to do things I love all the time. I want to paint and listen to music and laugh with my friends and write and just fucking smile. I want everything I don't have and I feel like I'm never going to get out. And even if I do I'm scared I'll end up somewhere else doing the exact same thing. Someone please please save me from my own life. Goddammit.

Cali

So here's the thing.
I'm in that stage in my life where I don't really know which way is up. I'm 20 years old. I don't want to be an adult yet but I'm not allowed to keep being a kid. Growing up is inevitable, I understand that. So I have a plan. I'm going to finish college. I need to, there's no other option. I need to take the next two years, hopefully no more than that, and get a degree in English or whatever and just have that done. But then, after that, I have the real thing I want. I want to move to California.
I want to gather all my friends that are willing to join me, hop in a car, and just fucking drive all the way to Cali. I'm thinking Ocean Beach/ San Diego area. I want to spend one year, just one year, doing whatever I want to do. Key thing being what I want. Sure no one pressured me into college, but I knew it had to be done. Society told me so. I have been on a timeline my entire life and I'm sick and fucking tired of it.
I'm willing to work through the next couple years, even if I'm unhappy at times. I can handle it. Because I know waiting at the end of it all, like a glowing white light, will be San Diego. Where I can live in warm weather, near the ocean, and write and write and write and make art and see music and eat delicious food and smile and experience things. I want all of it. I feel like the life I'm really supposed to have is out there waiting for me to just reach out and grab it. And it's on the west coast. I just know it. So, to make myself feel better, I'm going to make a list of the things that need to be done. I'm serious about this, and I don't want it slipping out of my grasp due to some minor detail I overlooked.

• First things first, I want to get in shape. People in California are beautiful, like all the people. So I want to feel beautiful too.
  
• Start my 'California Fund'. I already took a little money from this paycheck. This one will be tough because my checks are pretty small but it will be worth it.
  
• Figure out everything I'll need and how I'll get it. I.E., whether or not I'll need a car, which areas are best to live in, what the job situation is like there. I want to be prepared.
  
• Stay focused on school to ensure I graduate on time.
• Buy a map of California and pin it to my wall to remind me what I'm working toward.

Normally I would think a plan like this one to be childish and naive. But when I went to California this summer I loved it. I could completely see myself building a life there. Maybe it'll take me a couple years to get there, maybe more. I'll wait for the timing to be right. But I will make this happen. I want this for myself. It's going to be beautiful.

man oh man

I just want to see this one guy. The first guy to hit on me at this job. The only one of which I actually liked. I liked his tattoos and his voice and the way he smoked cigarettes. And I liked that he liked me. And now we never work together and I miss seeing him because it was the best part of my day. And every night I get to work hoping he'll come strolling down the hallway with a cigarette for me and ask if I want to sneak out to smoke. But he always always always works opposite shifts from me and on days I'm not even there. Every time I see him though I get giddy like a little child. Lame, but true. Just saying, I work tomorrow whereas I usually don't so I have a little glimmer of hope that maybe he'll be there.

Life

I'm feeling a lot these days. I'm feeling stressed and busy and hectic. I'm feeling tired and lazy and lost. I'm feeling happy and hopeful and responsible.
The thing about the responsible feeling though, the thing is that it feels forced. It's just not me. I'm not equipped to handle real life, I'm just pretending to be. Although I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job at pretending. Paying bills, making rent, going to work, going to class. Making coffee in the morning, going to the gas station, checking the mail, eating fast food, listening to the radio, getting stuck in traffic, sitting through lectures, reading textbooks.
I see how people end up doing nothing with their lives. Because all the mundane things take up all the time. I used to look at people who were doing nothing except going to work everyday and going to the drive-thru at McDonalds and going to bed at ten at night and think how sad they were. Pathetic, I thought. But now that's me and I don't feel pathetic. I feel used up and bored and it's hard for me to get any creative energy flowing. But I don't feel pathetic because this is what I have to do. I have to work a job. I have to go to school. I have to do these things. Right?
Because as far as I can tell this is the only path. I have no other discernible talents. I can't join a band and become famous. I can't just pack and travel across the country because I'm broke and I'm too scared and socially awkward. I can't do the things I want to because they're unrealistic and unachievable.
I really shouldn't complain. I love so many things about my life. My friends and my family are fucking amazing. It's just that I feel like I'm settling into this dull rut and I'm a little scared that this is what life is like for everyone and no one ever bothered to tell me.

Life Moves Forward

It's been a while since I've updated this blog because I have no internet in my new place! But I am home visiting my mom right now so I'm eating all her food and using the wi-fi like there's no tomorrow.
So basically here is the update on my life. The new house is great, I love it entirely. It's small but it's homey and all my friends make it feel as if I've lived there my whole life. We cook meals together, play old video games on the N64, smoke, and watch movies. It's pretty fantastic. I even managed to make rent with no problems, although it did leave me broke but it's worth it to be living there. The area is a little shady but about two blocks down is the coolest district in Lansing which is Old Town. There's a river walk, antique stores, cafes, and boutiques. So it's worth the slightly shady neighborhood.
I met a guy through my job at the mall. His name is Marc and he has many tattoos and piercings and he's tall and funny and I have a total crush on him.
My classes are even better than I thought they would be. They're challenging and interesting and time flies when I'm studying the material. I never thought I would actually ENJOY a biology class, but I do.
I got my car back! My car had been at the mechanics for a little over 3 months and for about 3 weeks of that time I had two jobs and classes to make it to every day and no ride to get there. So now that I have it back I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
Plus, Autumn is going to be in Michigan very soon and this makes me very very happy! Fall is absolutely my favorite season and it's the best in the Mitten State. I'm psyched to wear scarves and sweaters and skinny jeans and drink pumpkin lattes on my way to class.
So basically I've been busy and life gets a little tiring sometimes, but overall I feel really really good about everything. Every once and a while I stop and take a breath and just smile at how awesome my life is right now. I get the feeling that this will be one of the best years of my life.

So Happy

I'm so happy with my life right now. My frame of mind is so completely unlike last year around this time when I was worried and tense about college and leaving my friends behind. Now I am moving in with them, I'm taking classes I adore, and I have a job to hand me a steady paycheck. Plus the guy I'm going to be living with has a constant stream of weed and he cooks the most delicious fucking pizzas. True story. Also, one of my best friend's birthdays is this weekend and she always throws awesome parties.
I feel so complete, so together, so organized. It is absolutely awesome.
I feel like for once I made the right choices, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel incredibly hopeful, it's the best feeling I've had in a long time.
I feel like I get to spend the next year of my life living in my own place, with some of my best friends smoking weed, having parties, going to school and just fucking LIVING. Living the way I want to, not having to answer to anyone. I'm just so DAMN HAPPY!

Short Term Goals:
-Download a lot of the Fray and Led Zepplin for long bus rides I will probably be taking
-Get my first paycheck and buy cozy cardigans and new skinny jeans for the fall and classes
-Get my room packed and ready to move
-Buy a clear stud to wear in my nose piercing at work
-Be awesome at my new job
-Finish getting my loan money figured out
-Be this happy all the time

California in the Morning

Tomorrow I will be leaving my house at 4 a.m. to begin my long journey to the West coast. By noon or perhaps a little after, I will be in San Diego California wondering how I am so damn lucky. I will spend the week body-boarding, riding bikes along the pier, hiking in La Jolla, shopping in a huge flea market, and eating delicious west coast edibles.
I still really can't believe this is happening. This has been a goal of mine since I was a little kid and now I finally get to experience it. After all, the last time I was in California I was five years old and I cried and threw a tantrum when Shamu splashed me at Sea World. Not quite a dream vacation. But this time will be different. I will get a feel for the place. I will experience the vibes and see if I feel at home there the way I always thought I would. I will try to update from the road, but no promises seeing as I'm traveling with carry-on luggage only and I don't know if my laptop is going to fit.