To be a traveler

What does one require to become a traveler of the world.
Money. Of which I have very little. But I wonder how far I could get on what I have in my bank account right now. Maybe out of the country if I'm lucky.
Guts. Bravery. I don't know if I have guts or not. I've never been in a situation that was extreme enough to find out. Which makes me worry I've never really felt what it's like to be alive.
I just feel that someone who travels the whole globe on a whim and has the guts to go into places they've never been, attempt languages they've never spoken, and befriend people they have never met, are daring. That's the only word I can think of. And I don't know if I've ever thought of daring as a word that comes to mind when describing myself. I wish it was. I wish I had the strength to jump into the deep end feet first without a second thought. I know what I want. I want to travel the world. I want to see things, meet people, fall in love, actually experience something, really fucking FEEL something. I feel like I'm living my life with the lights off. I need to open my eyes. How does a person become daring anyway? Because I want to leave right now. Pack a bag empty my bank account and just fucking GO SOMEWHERE. But I can't do it. I'm paralyzed by the unknown. Insecure about things I might fail at so I never try. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to begin.

I just want to run away from all my problems. I want to run in the other direction and never look back. The thought is so comforting to me. That I don’t have to be here, that someday I’ll escape to another time and another place in my life. Future me. Suture me will be loved by a man. Future me will see the world. Future me will live in a new and exciting place and have a career in writing. Future me will be beauitful and flirty and the life of the party. Someday maybe I’ll actually have the courage to start making future me happen. But for now I cower in the shadow of familiarity and cringe at the thought of doing anything that could make me more afraid than I already am. No matter where you go, there you are.

I am so lonely that it physically pains me. Just to watch a love scene in a movie makes my heart hurt. To see two people in physical intimate contact makes me want to cry. I haven’t even had someone’s hand in my hand in over five years. I feel it will always be this way. I’ve accepted it because I’m too afraid to hope for anything better. I feel there’s no way a man could ever physically love me, want me, let alone want to have sex with me. I want to be held. I want to be loved and touched and kissed. God I want so fucking badly to be kissed. More than anything in the entire world. I would give my life just to feel what it’s like to be kissed. Jesus Christ I am so fucking lonely I just stare at the ceiling each night wondering what it’s like to have someone sleep next to you. To have someone to hold, cuddle, and yes to have sex with. Sex is something I feel like I will never have. I want so badly to know that intimacy and closeness that comes with sex. The physical part and the emotional part. I feel like I will never know it. I’m afraid of dying this way. Of living my life with a constant thread of loneliness in every piece of my life. Someone save me please because this is one fear I have no control over.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

This week is really not going my way. I am beyond frustrated. I had the worst night ever at work last night. When I try to tell other people about it they brush it off and say something like oh it’s no big deal you’re still learning. But I feel terrible about it. It’s weighing really heavily on my mind and I feel weirdly awful. Basically I feel like fucking shit. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that I’m missing out on my own life. I hate the feeling of having to wake up everyday and follow so many goddamn rules and listen to everything everyone says. I don’t want to be rich I don’t care if I drive a fucking BMW I don’t give a shit if I live in a big house. All I want is enough money to survive on and live my life. Actually fucking live it without any expectations or timelines or obligations. I just want an escape I feel so gddamn trapped like I’m screaming in a crowded room and everyone hears it and says don’t worry it’s fine it’s just life it’s hard and boring but you do what you have to. Well fuck that I don’t want any of this shit I want my own life my own expectations my own rules. I just want to not feel like shit I want to not be afraid I want to not be unhappy and bored and FUCK.

When I'm sober I look at things on Tumblr, beautiful places, exciting things, and I resent the people who got to be in those places and experience those things. I wish I was them, I would give anything to be them. To not be stuck in my life.
But when I'm high I see things on Tumblr and I am so happy they exist. I'm happy I have a life to live. Happy that I could end up in those beautiful places because I have a life. Because I'm capable. I see them and I smile and I'm just so goddamn happy there are beautiful things in the world.
This is the best way I know to sum up the difference between being high and being sober.

When I grow I want to be happy.

If I could have any job in the world it would be to grow and sell marijuana. I was thinking about it earlier today. I'm no criminal, not by a stretch, but I would love to get a license and grow my own plants and sell to enough people just to make ends meet. I have no interest in money. I don't care about having a big house and a nice car. I just want enough money to pay the bills and maybe do something fun once in a while. I just want free time and open spaces and a happy state of mind. I feel so damn unhappy so much of the time and I just don't believe that's how life is meant to be. I refuse to believe that.
I'm not living the way I'm supposed to yet. I haven't found where I fit in, where I belong, what I should do. I feel like school is a waste of time, I fucking hate working. I just want to earn enough to keep me alive. And I want to do things I love all the time. I want to paint and listen to music and laugh with my friends and write and just fucking smile. I want everything I don't have and I feel like I'm never going to get out. And even if I do I'm scared I'll end up somewhere else doing the exact same thing. Someone please please save me from my own life. Goddammit.

Cali

So here's the thing.
I'm in that stage in my life where I don't really know which way is up. I'm 20 years old. I don't want to be an adult yet but I'm not allowed to keep being a kid. Growing up is inevitable, I understand that. So I have a plan. I'm going to finish college. I need to, there's no other option. I need to take the next two years, hopefully no more than that, and get a degree in English or whatever and just have that done. But then, after that, I have the real thing I want. I want to move to California.
I want to gather all my friends that are willing to join me, hop in a car, and just fucking drive all the way to Cali. I'm thinking Ocean Beach/ San Diego area. I want to spend one year, just one year, doing whatever I want to do. Key thing being what I want. Sure no one pressured me into college, but I knew it had to be done. Society told me so. I have been on a timeline my entire life and I'm sick and fucking tired of it.
I'm willing to work through the next couple years, even if I'm unhappy at times. I can handle it. Because I know waiting at the end of it all, like a glowing white light, will be San Diego. Where I can live in warm weather, near the ocean, and write and write and write and make art and see music and eat delicious food and smile and experience things. I want all of it. I feel like the life I'm really supposed to have is out there waiting for me to just reach out and grab it. And it's on the west coast. I just know it. So, to make myself feel better, I'm going to make a list of the things that need to be done. I'm serious about this, and I don't want it slipping out of my grasp due to some minor detail I overlooked.

• First things first, I want to get in shape. People in California are beautiful, like all the people. So I want to feel beautiful too.
  
• Start my 'California Fund'. I already took a little money from this paycheck. This one will be tough because my checks are pretty small but it will be worth it.
  
• Figure out everything I'll need and how I'll get it. I.E., whether or not I'll need a car, which areas are best to live in, what the job situation is like there. I want to be prepared.
  
• Stay focused on school to ensure I graduate on time.
• Buy a map of California and pin it to my wall to remind me what I'm working toward.

Normally I would think a plan like this one to be childish and naive. But when I went to California this summer I loved it. I could completely see myself building a life there. Maybe it'll take me a couple years to get there, maybe more. I'll wait for the timing to be right. But I will make this happen. I want this for myself. It's going to be beautiful.