A Mouth Like a Sailor

fuckballsshitsonofabitchgoddamnitalltohell!

This day feels shitty and out of control and I would just like someone to tell me how to make everybody happy and make myself feel like my fucking brain is in order for once.

Fuck.

I need a cigarette.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday

On Sunday I may have to go to church and thank a bunch of strangers who I haven't seen in over two years for giving me a big pile of charity bucks under false pretenses...but at least I get to watch Breaking Bad.

This show is the best things to happen to television in a long time.

In other news, my prom dress still hasnt come in the mail and it was supposed to be here at the beginning of the week. So, ya know, that isn't stressful or anything. Less than two weeks until my senior prom with no dress and no word from the bridal shop two hours away from which I ordered it.

I've been scouring the internet all morning for hair style ideas and shoes and jewelry and blah blah blah. But, I still havent found much. I want it all to be vintage feeling and it turns out that isn't to common in modern day accesories. Go figure. I have found a couple of hairstyles I may want...

So there you go, a vague idea of how my hair will theoretically look for prom. I'm stil kind of clueless on the makeup front but it doesn't really matter. Things have a way of working themselves out if you just let them take their course.

So I will call the dress shop, I will make my hair appoitment, and I will look up makeup tutorials on YouTube. The rest, is up to fate.

Last Night I Realized Something

1) My Wii Fit trainer looks just like the little kid from the sixth sense. Seriously.
2)I freaking love Wii Fit. I love working out in general. It makes me feel awesome.
...In fact here's a list of some more things that make me feel awesome.

A LIST OF FAVORITES!

T.V. Shows:

Breaking Bad

How I met Your Mother

30 Rock

Movies:

Wristcutters

Across the Universe

The Wackness

Books:

Where the Sidewalk Ends

Catcher in the Rye

Tweak

Food:

Salt Water Taffy

Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwiches

Cheesecake

Drinks:

Hazelnut Lattes

Blue Bubblegum Jones

Lemon Arizona tea

Bands:

Alkaline Trio

Beck

Modest Mouse

Places:

The Back 40 at Bliss

The Zombie Village in Tennesse

My room when it's snowing

Ways to Kill Time:

Driving Around Listening to Rap

Smoking Cigarettes

Daydreaming

Riddle Me That

30 days. 30 days exactly until the last day of high school is upon us.

It seems like it has taken forever and no time at all, simultaneously.

Does graduation mean moving into the real world?

Is college the real world?

Or does it just mean more pretending to know what I'm doing and where I'm going and that I have a clue?

Are there more people that are unique and individual in college?

I feel like everyone that I know around my age is so form fitting.

Will I be able to handle leaving the people that make my day better and my life funnier and my camera full of ridiculous memories?

Can I even begin to fathom the greatness with which I will struggle in any math class past the algebra 1 level?

What is life like once you step out of the confines of small town familiarity?

Polar Opposites

It's strange to me how different me and my brother turned out to be.

It's surreal doing all these typical high school graduation things like senior pictures and scrap books and cap and gown orders, when he had absolutely none of this.

He was caught selling weed in the bathroom towards the end of his sophomore year and after that switched school districts about four times and ended up at an alternative school where he barely maintained a D average and eventually managed to scrape up his GED.

Since then he has fathered two children on accident, been to jail twice, gone through withdrawl for more drugs than I've ever even seen, and been arrested to many times to count.

He currently works at a restraunt as a cook and dishwasher, he's 21. By the time I'm 21 I will be a senior in college, supposedly.

Now I'm not saying my brother is stupid, not by a long shot. I think he is a very intelligent person. He just gets caught up in what people think of him far to easily. He wants everyone to like him so he does everything they think is cool.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, I've done my share of partying and drinking and smoking and whatever. But I don't do it to the point of excess. The point of losing jobs and family and relationships just to get high again.

Last night he got kicked out of the house AGAIN because he dropped dirty for opiates. He keeps trying to guilt my mom into letting him stay talking aobut how he will be homeless if he has to leave, but we all know he'll go stay with a friend or worst case scenario he'll have to stay at my dads house in Lansing. Boo Hoo.

Maybe he should stop being a douche.

Long Gone

Today I miss:

-Hot summer days with random adventures to wal-mart

-Pictures that bring memories sweeping back

-The back 40 at Blissfest

-Warm weather in this state

-Cartoons from the 90's

-When I had a group of friends 10 people strong at all times

-The 'family' dinners we used to have

-Having a clue

Good Morning World

I always love the ads on T.V. advertising coffee or bagels or some other breakfast product where everyone is bright and happy and awake. The commercial tells us that morning is the best part of the day, a fresh start and a chance to make your day wahtever you want! I always end up watching these commercials at night and at the time I agree with every word they're saying. I'm like 'Morning is totally the best part of the day! I can't wait to feel fresh and awake and ready to start a new day with a warm bagel and a hot cup of coffee!'

But it never actually turns out that way. In actuality I groggily slam on the snooze button a few times, contemplate whtether or not it's worth it to shower, and then literally curse as I get out of my nice warm comforter and place my toes onto the ice cold wooden floor of my bedroom.

I can't even dirnk coffee or eat anything in the morning without my stomach getting upset!

What a jip.

Every morning starts the exact same way and every morning when I drag my eyelids open the first thing I think is 'I am gonna go to bed so early tonight. Like...8:00 at the latest!' Buuuut, I never do. I always spend the day slowly emerging from my sleep enduced coma and end up being very awake and similar to a real human being by the afternoon. Then, I never get sleepy again.

Today was no exception. The ongoing battle to wake up 15 minutes earlier to shower lost and the snooze button won. I didn't want breakfast even a little but I decided since every magazine on the planet says you should eat breakfast when you're dieting, I ate a yogurt. This has been my morning so far.

Plus I have a gigantor size bruise on my arm where I had blood drawn on Friday that hurts like a mofo when I roll the sleeves of my hoody up.

Speaking of hoody, I purchased a sweeeet new sweatshirt over the weekend representing one of my favorite artists of all time, Bob Dylan. So I'm pretty psyched about that.

Delinquent

Today was another day missing a few hours of school.

We left at lunch to satisfy a craving for taco bell but the nearest one is one town over, about a 30 minute drive from school. So obviously we decided we might as well not go back at all, obviously. Upon arriving at Taco Bell however we were met with a suprise, 25 kids and two teachers from our school were stopping there for some chow during a field trip. As soon as we walked in they all stopped and stared, the teacher asked "Are you from our class?"

Of course this is every class-skipper's worst nightmare so we tried our best to act non-chalant shrugging it off and keeping our heads low.

Luckily, the class was leaving as we got there so we only had to endure about ten minutes of uncomfortable avoidance.

You may think that this experience would have shaken us up a bit, hindering us from skipping the rest of the day, perhaps nudging us back towards the school...but no, not us.

Instead we went back to my house, layed out on the trampoline, smoked a few ciggarettes and then me and Kristi headed to her house to slightly nap, eat reeses minis, and listen to her 3 cats make weird noises as her dog peered at us.

Tonight we are planning on finishing off a tiny pint we had, doing makeovers on eachother, and then all waking up for school tomorrow to endure the Friday that has taken years to arrive. Seriously, this week has been dragging forever.

Tomorrow I'm signed up to give blood and Saturday I'm supposed to go to a Lugnuts game for free, plus I got invited to a metal show by Tony.

So this week has been very out of the ordinary and it just keeps getting stranger...but my mom does come tomorrow so maybe that will restore a little to the chaos that is my teenage existance.

Speaking of which, it turns out that without adults we run out of groceries, have a house that is the equivalent to hurricane aftermath, and never go to class...

Meh.

Lookin Good

Hooray for dieting again!
I think I've probably spent the last 8 years of my life dieting in one form or another.
Much of the time I'm not really dieting so much as eating healthy out of habit.
But right now, it's a legitimate no fast food eating-pop drinking-junk splruging diet.
It feels good to have something to adhere to once in a while, that's the things I miss about the days when I was opposed to eating red meat. Just having something to stand for and a reason to do something, it gives me direction.
The reason I have embarked on this particular diet is to lose twenty pounds for this summer's festivities. Warped tour, Blissfest, the trip to New York, and really for starting college in the fall.
I figure losing a few pounds will help me gain some self confidence and maybe I won't be so damn uncomfortable around the male species. Maybe.
So far this week weight loss = 1 lb.
That's better than nothing!
So maybe if i keep this up I'll have a few pounds down by the time summer hits and swimsuit season hits right along with it.
Breakfast today: Sobe energy, a banana, and a 90 calorie Kashi bar.

BAM!

Alkaline

I have a more than mild obsession with many things, among them the fantastic and timeless Alkaline Trio.

Rumor has it that this fine musical group will be at the Detroit stop of Warped Tour this year.

MIND BLOWN?

FUCK YES.

Yah, I have already gone to see them once with Saves the Day but it was pretty lame because I had this super severe case of Laringitis and I couldn't even speak. Of course I powered through, but my body did not appreciate it.

Thank God for Warped Tour.

Late as ever...

I have never been one to be on time. I'm always just a little behind, often overestimating how much time I really have left to accomplish something.

The range of ways in which I am late is actually pretty impressive. From procrastinating a 10 page essay to leaving ten minutes before I need to be somehwere that is actually 30 minutes away, I do it all.

Including this morning, in which I managed to forget to turn on my alarm and therefore woke up when my ride arrived. Hezzah! I live up the title of tardy once again.

Oh well it wasn't all bad.

Since my mom is currently sipping fruity drinks on the white sandy beaches of Cabo San Lucas I took the liberty of assuming she wouldn't mind if I took her car to drive myself to my LCC classes this morning.

So that was my wonderfully hectic morning.

Yesterday was not to bad as far as school days go.

Me and Kristi skipped 5th hour, which has become very habitual since Senioritis set in by the way. We left because i ahd a test that I didn't study for and I would rather take a truant mark than a failing grade.

So we left early and went to my house to chill with Cathie and Matt and later Renee, Mel, Dann, and Nic.

We kind of just hung out outside all day, laying on the trampoline smoking cigarettes, standing around in the front yard palying frisbee and generally just hangin around.

I didn't do much of anything in particular, but the day still wasn't half bad.

Today I feel scattered because I woke up late...plus I just remembered I forgot to feed the cat this morning...but hopefully everything will just go down like normal. Boring, sloooow, and redundant. AKA, high school.

Chill Out.

Things that calm me down when I worry so much my stomach does somersaults like an olympic gymnast.

Watercolor Paintings

The idea of fate

Zombie Movies

Harmonica Solos

Hot Coffee

Meditation

Autobiographies

The occasional ciggarette...

Thinking of summer

My head, emptied.

The Hammock in my backyard

Cartoons I.E, Chowder, Flapjack, Spongebob.

Gone to the dogs.

My Saturday morning was spent waking up at 6:30 A.M. to feed four dogs then drive an hour and a half each direction to drop my mom at the Detroit airport, headed for a week long retreat to Cabo San Lucas. I remain here, in gloomy little Michigan, to live out the week in the terror that is high school.

On top of the long days of education I also have the responsibility of looking after four dogs and two cats, plus practically keeping my mom's business running while she's away.

I'm not bitter or jealous that she has taken this trip, she deserves time for herself plus I just took a week long trip to Florida a matter of days ago.

Plus this has afforded me the age old opportunity for a party while the parents are away. Given, it was just a bonfire and there were only about 10 people there, but I was able to invite certain boys that had previously been banned from the house.

I do feel like this week is going to be mighty stressful for the reason that my mom is gone, among other things.

Lately I'm feeling like I'm missing some certain teenage gene that urges you to go party and cause trouble. This gene is also the one that makes you comfortable around boys and causes you to hate your parents. I think I'm defective...

What if I never find a guy that I feel perfectly at ease around? I have this idea of a person in my head, not really a dream guy so much as someone interesting. Someone who has unique musical taste, shops at thrift stores, sees the appeal in piercings, and has a genuinely unique outlook on life.

What if this person doesn't exist? I've been looking for a while now and I haven't even come close. What am I supposed to do about that?

Back to Reality

Siiiggggh.
One week in Florida and I'm spoiled by that warm sun.
Freedom all the time and lack of responsibility, I dig it.
Buuut, now I'm home. Back to real life and real problems and responsiblity and thinking about college, and leaving home for good, and doing crappy things I really don't want to do. For example, I may possibly have to read an essay I wrote in front of the entire student body and two news crews. Worst nightmare? Pretty damn close.
I would give just about anything to not have to do this, I even considered withdrawing my essay from the contest. But even though I e-mailed the person who is running this 'assembly' and told them in great detail how I wrote private things in this essay and wasn't forewarned I would have to read it to ANYONE let alone the entire school, she has yet to say anything back.
I'm stressed beyond belief about this thing.
I feel like it's fake because it talks about the benefits of not drinking and not smoking pot, and although I never said directly that I don't participate in these things it is implied. Therefore: lie.
Soooo....HELP!

The beach at three A.M. and a game of Zombies. An Oral Report of my Insane Spring Break.

Hello again sweet internet, I have missed you.

I haven't seen head nor tail of a search engine or a facebook update for over a week, which feels longer than it sounds. Considering though that the reason I have been experiencing internet withdrawl is the fact that I spent my spring break driving to Tennesse then on to Florida, I guess the score is even.

The past week has been insane, to put it lightly.

Our plans for spring break were carried out: pack up the car and drive the supposed 8 hours to Tennesse, spend the night with Melissa's brother Rob, then continue south to Sanford, Florida to crash with her Aunt until Friday.

Along the way many things happened that can hardly be put into words. We spent much of the week with four guys who were down there at the same time as us who were also from Michigan. The first night in Florida we went to the place they were staying and we all got waaaay to drunk, smoked waaaay to much pot, and got waaaay out of hand. Good times, crazy pictures on my camera.

We also took a pontoon out into the everglades with these same boys, who all wanted to wrestle every alligator we saw. My friend Kristi definately did some questionable things with one of the guys, Nick to be exact. In fact, on the last day we were there we had to literally drag her from the bed with him to bring her back to Sanford with us. As for me, Mel and Allie? Not so much with the hooking up. Nothing new there for me though, lame.

Florida also held many late night trips to the beach, like 4 A.M. late, and a serious sunburn that I am still currently recovering from.

Tennesse was also an adventure. We spent a lot of time at this Mock Iraqi village where the soldiers are trained from war. Trespassing you say? Meh, debatable. Besides it's not like soldiers were out there training at 11:00 at night.

Playing massive 15 person games of zombies vs. zombie hunters at this place was seriously one of the coolest things I've ever done. Clear stars, false ruins, and a lot of people over the age of twenty who take impersonating the living dead very seriously, equals a very good time. We also did some partying there, Melissa and Kristi may have gotten a little bit to drunk. They were getting pretty sassy and it was simultaniously funny and making me a little mad, though I couldn't tell you for the life of me what they were saying, I was way to drunk to remember any of that.

The drive to and from the south was an adventure in ittself really. 15 straight hours of driving for me on the way back to Tennesse from Florida plus a 3 hour bumper to bumper traffic jam in Georgia. I discovered a new found love for rap, Ludacris in particular. This is strange for me considering I'm usually a White Stripes and Alkaline Trio type of girl; but when you're bumping rap with heavy bass flying down Florida highways at 1 A.M. with the ocean in sight, it's hard not to love it.

All in all I'm glad to be home. I'm sick of fast food, gas station energy drinks in place of sleep, testing the speed limit in every state, and being contstantly unfamiliar of where I'm going. True, I could have definately used a few more days on the beach and out of school, but theres only a few more months until high school is done for good, finito. So I figure I don't have that much further to go.

On a Happy Note

The things that make me the happiest:

Butterscotch Lollipops

Sitting next to your crush

Colorful Photography

Independent Flims

An Extra Nugget in your Kids Meal

Rolling Landscapes out car windows

The Ramones when I'm feeling rebelious

Simon and Garfunkel when I'm not

Timeless Novels

Blue Skies with powerlines crossing them

Waking up happy

Forts

Watermelon

Walking City Streets in the Winter

Epiphanies

Spontaneous Adventures

Playgrounds

Movies I can quote

Laundry List

I have never understood where the term 'laundry list' comes from. I never make a list when I do laundry. I'm never like "1. Wash shirt 2. Wash pants 3. Wash sock 4. Wash other sock...etc"

Who does that?

Anyway, I do have a lengthy to-do list to accomplish before tomorrow morning.

I need to do all my laundry, pack completely for a week long trip to Florida where I will be sleeping on the floor, get my mom's birthday stuff done, rummage through my cupboards for food to bring with me on the trip, get change for the 100 dollar bills I have, do an hour's worth of chores, and see my dad.

Whew. Hopefully I can get past all my inner procrastinating tendencies and actually accomplish all this before 7 A.M. tomorrow morning.

In other news, yesterday was a damn good day.

It was the perfect temperature and I spent a majority of the day outside at the park with some very good company. I also ordered my prom dress.

I spent a big part of the day finishing my mom's birthday present which still didn't turn out as good as I was hoping, but it's passable. So that was kind of a bummer.

Also, Dann stopped over with my brother for a little while. He was pretty drunk and I'm 90 percent sure he was pretty stoned too, but he was still hilarious. Even more so maybe.

He was tripping over the couches and wearing my brothers hat and asking me to bum ciggarettes, multiple times. Then he got into a whole thing about how he missed me. He was like *insert drunken slur here*

"Jessie, I gotta be honest, I serioushly miss you. For real, like I miss you. I'm gonna get a cell phone and I'm gonna call you cuz I miss you, and we are gonna hang out!"

Yep, good stuff.

So that was yesterday. I get the feeling tonight will be hectic what with the waiting until the very last second to pack, but I can handle it.

It'll all be behind me when I'm laying on the beach sunday afternoon, looking pale though I may, soaking in the sun and being content as a human being can.