Two...Years...Later...

So it appears another two years have rolled silently by since the last time I made a post. In fact, today is only the fifth day of 2016. My life has taken a lot of twists and turns since my last post. I have gained back thirty pounds, I no longer have to work because I'm in school at MSU full time, and me and Jared are currently broken up. I moved back to Eaton Rapids to stretch my loan money as far as possible. So many many things have happened. I don't really feel like getting into any of them. Since I was the one to initiate
the breakup between Jared and I you would think that I would feel better, like a weight had been lifted. Because this is what I wanted right? Wrong. I feel miserable about it. I miss my best friend and I miss our relationship. But there is an invisible barrier keeping me from going back. A barrier of pride, ego, confusion, and standards. Because, truth be known, I do want something more for myself than Jared was able to give. The catch is I want to be with Jared, I just want the more grown up version of him. Plus, I fucking hate my body right now. I despise it. I weigh 170 pounds. It's complete torture. Things aren't all bad, they're really not. I have amazing friends who are always there for me, I'm closer with my family than I've ever been, I'm getting serious about my goals and working hard at school. But inside I just feel empty. And feeling empty emotionally while being so so heavy physically, it's not a good combination.