goddamnit.

I have been so fucking anxiety ridden lately. Every waking moment of the day. I cannot take my mind off of this topic that plagues me. then I tell myself I'm gonna do something about it and I convince myself and then nothing happens. When the topic rises to the surface of my mind, which it does every few seconds, I feel like simultaneously crying and vomiting. It's like a million little panic attacks every day. And it's weird to have to so strongly repress that feeling and so often. In the middle of a sentence, in the middle of a crowded room, anywhere. I have to just crush it back down, grit my teeth. Not let tears spring up. And not tell ANYONE. I think I'm literally sliding away from myself because I can't get this off my chest. I don't want to bother anyone with it, or seem like I'm dramatic or being a crybaby. I'm never emotional and I don't want to make it seem like anything is wrong. But there is something wrong deep down to my core, to my soul. An empty, hollow, screaming, lonliness that I am so incredibly fucking terrified will never go away. That I will never conquer it. And the world will forever view me this way, I'll forever view myself this way. I feel trapped, like there is no escape, no person left to turn to, no excuse left to use. But the fear I feel is overwhelming. It's suffocating. I can't function, I can't grasp the idea of overcoming a fear like that. I can't comprehend how people do this on such a regular basis!! I'm so fucking alone. So fucking scared. I just need to not feel this panic, this helpless feeling, just for a day. Two days. An hour. Any amount of time where I could breathe and not feel like my words are being stolen, my breath is being sucked out by this supressing anxiety.