When I grow I want to be happy.

If I could have any job in the world it would be to grow and sell marijuana. I was thinking about it earlier today. I'm no criminal, not by a stretch, but I would love to get a license and grow my own plants and sell to enough people just to make ends meet. I have no interest in money. I don't care about having a big house and a nice car. I just want enough money to pay the bills and maybe do something fun once in a while. I just want free time and open spaces and a happy state of mind. I feel so damn unhappy so much of the time and I just don't believe that's how life is meant to be. I refuse to believe that.
I'm not living the way I'm supposed to yet. I haven't found where I fit in, where I belong, what I should do. I feel like school is a waste of time, I fucking hate working. I just want to earn enough to keep me alive. And I want to do things I love all the time. I want to paint and listen to music and laugh with my friends and write and just fucking smile. I want everything I don't have and I feel like I'm never going to get out. And even if I do I'm scared I'll end up somewhere else doing the exact same thing. Someone please please save me from my own life. Goddammit.

Cali

So here's the thing.
I'm in that stage in my life where I don't really know which way is up. I'm 20 years old. I don't want to be an adult yet but I'm not allowed to keep being a kid. Growing up is inevitable, I understand that. So I have a plan. I'm going to finish college. I need to, there's no other option. I need to take the next two years, hopefully no more than that, and get a degree in English or whatever and just have that done. But then, after that, I have the real thing I want. I want to move to California.
I want to gather all my friends that are willing to join me, hop in a car, and just fucking drive all the way to Cali. I'm thinking Ocean Beach/ San Diego area. I want to spend one year, just one year, doing whatever I want to do. Key thing being what I want. Sure no one pressured me into college, but I knew it had to be done. Society told me so. I have been on a timeline my entire life and I'm sick and fucking tired of it.
I'm willing to work through the next couple years, even if I'm unhappy at times. I can handle it. Because I know waiting at the end of it all, like a glowing white light, will be San Diego. Where I can live in warm weather, near the ocean, and write and write and write and make art and see music and eat delicious food and smile and experience things. I want all of it. I feel like the life I'm really supposed to have is out there waiting for me to just reach out and grab it. And it's on the west coast. I just know it. So, to make myself feel better, I'm going to make a list of the things that need to be done. I'm serious about this, and I don't want it slipping out of my grasp due to some minor detail I overlooked.

• First things first, I want to get in shape. People in California are beautiful, like all the people. So I want to feel beautiful too.
  
• Start my 'California Fund'. I already took a little money from this paycheck. This one will be tough because my checks are pretty small but it will be worth it.
  
• Figure out everything I'll need and how I'll get it. I.E., whether or not I'll need a car, which areas are best to live in, what the job situation is like there. I want to be prepared.
  
• Stay focused on school to ensure I graduate on time.
• Buy a map of California and pin it to my wall to remind me what I'm working toward.

Normally I would think a plan like this one to be childish and naive. But when I went to California this summer I loved it. I could completely see myself building a life there. Maybe it'll take me a couple years to get there, maybe more. I'll wait for the timing to be right. But I will make this happen. I want this for myself. It's going to be beautiful.