When I'm sober I look at things on Tumblr, beautiful places, exciting things, and I resent the people who got to be in those places and experience those things. I wish I was them, I would give anything to be them. To not be stuck in my life.
But when I'm high I see things on Tumblr and I am so happy they exist. I'm happy I have a life to live. Happy that I could end up in those beautiful places because I have a life. Because I'm capable. I see them and I smile and I'm just so goddamn happy there are beautiful things in the world.
This is the best way I know to sum up the difference between being high and being sober.

When I grow I want to be happy.

If I could have any job in the world it would be to grow and sell marijuana. I was thinking about it earlier today. I'm no criminal, not by a stretch, but I would love to get a license and grow my own plants and sell to enough people just to make ends meet. I have no interest in money. I don't care about having a big house and a nice car. I just want enough money to pay the bills and maybe do something fun once in a while. I just want free time and open spaces and a happy state of mind. I feel so damn unhappy so much of the time and I just don't believe that's how life is meant to be. I refuse to believe that.
I'm not living the way I'm supposed to yet. I haven't found where I fit in, where I belong, what I should do. I feel like school is a waste of time, I fucking hate working. I just want to earn enough to keep me alive. And I want to do things I love all the time. I want to paint and listen to music and laugh with my friends and write and just fucking smile. I want everything I don't have and I feel like I'm never going to get out. And even if I do I'm scared I'll end up somewhere else doing the exact same thing. Someone please please save me from my own life. Goddammit.

Cali

So here's the thing.
I'm in that stage in my life where I don't really know which way is up. I'm 20 years old. I don't want to be an adult yet but I'm not allowed to keep being a kid. Growing up is inevitable, I understand that. So I have a plan. I'm going to finish college. I need to, there's no other option. I need to take the next two years, hopefully no more than that, and get a degree in English or whatever and just have that done. But then, after that, I have the real thing I want. I want to move to California.
I want to gather all my friends that are willing to join me, hop in a car, and just fucking drive all the way to Cali. I'm thinking Ocean Beach/ San Diego area. I want to spend one year, just one year, doing whatever I want to do. Key thing being what I want. Sure no one pressured me into college, but I knew it had to be done. Society told me so. I have been on a timeline my entire life and I'm sick and fucking tired of it.
I'm willing to work through the next couple years, even if I'm unhappy at times. I can handle it. Because I know waiting at the end of it all, like a glowing white light, will be San Diego. Where I can live in warm weather, near the ocean, and write and write and write and make art and see music and eat delicious food and smile and experience things. I want all of it. I feel like the life I'm really supposed to have is out there waiting for me to just reach out and grab it. And it's on the west coast. I just know it. So, to make myself feel better, I'm going to make a list of the things that need to be done. I'm serious about this, and I don't want it slipping out of my grasp due to some minor detail I overlooked.

• First things first, I want to get in shape. People in California are beautiful, like all the people. So I want to feel beautiful too.
  
• Start my 'California Fund'. I already took a little money from this paycheck. This one will be tough because my checks are pretty small but it will be worth it.
  
• Figure out everything I'll need and how I'll get it. I.E., whether or not I'll need a car, which areas are best to live in, what the job situation is like there. I want to be prepared.
  
• Stay focused on school to ensure I graduate on time.
• Buy a map of California and pin it to my wall to remind me what I'm working toward.

Normally I would think a plan like this one to be childish and naive. But when I went to California this summer I loved it. I could completely see myself building a life there. Maybe it'll take me a couple years to get there, maybe more. I'll wait for the timing to be right. But I will make this happen. I want this for myself. It's going to be beautiful.

man oh man

I just want to see this one guy. The first guy to hit on me at this job. The only one of which I actually liked. I liked his tattoos and his voice and the way he smoked cigarettes. And I liked that he liked me. And now we never work together and I miss seeing him because it was the best part of my day. And every night I get to work hoping he'll come strolling down the hallway with a cigarette for me and ask if I want to sneak out to smoke. But he always always always works opposite shifts from me and on days I'm not even there. Every time I see him though I get giddy like a little child. Lame, but true. Just saying, I work tomorrow whereas I usually don't so I have a little glimmer of hope that maybe he'll be there.

Life

I'm feeling a lot these days. I'm feeling stressed and busy and hectic. I'm feeling tired and lazy and lost. I'm feeling happy and hopeful and responsible.
The thing about the responsible feeling though, the thing is that it feels forced. It's just not me. I'm not equipped to handle real life, I'm just pretending to be. Although I think I'm doing a pretty damn good job at pretending. Paying bills, making rent, going to work, going to class. Making coffee in the morning, going to the gas station, checking the mail, eating fast food, listening to the radio, getting stuck in traffic, sitting through lectures, reading textbooks.
I see how people end up doing nothing with their lives. Because all the mundane things take up all the time. I used to look at people who were doing nothing except going to work everyday and going to the drive-thru at McDonalds and going to bed at ten at night and think how sad they were. Pathetic, I thought. But now that's me and I don't feel pathetic. I feel used up and bored and it's hard for me to get any creative energy flowing. But I don't feel pathetic because this is what I have to do. I have to work a job. I have to go to school. I have to do these things. Right?
Because as far as I can tell this is the only path. I have no other discernible talents. I can't join a band and become famous. I can't just pack and travel across the country because I'm broke and I'm too scared and socially awkward. I can't do the things I want to because they're unrealistic and unachievable.
I really shouldn't complain. I love so many things about my life. My friends and my family are fucking amazing. It's just that I feel like I'm settling into this dull rut and I'm a little scared that this is what life is like for everyone and no one ever bothered to tell me.

Life Moves Forward

It's been a while since I've updated this blog because I have no internet in my new place! But I am home visiting my mom right now so I'm eating all her food and using the wi-fi like there's no tomorrow.
So basically here is the update on my life. The new house is great, I love it entirely. It's small but it's homey and all my friends make it feel as if I've lived there my whole life. We cook meals together, play old video games on the N64, smoke, and watch movies. It's pretty fantastic. I even managed to make rent with no problems, although it did leave me broke but it's worth it to be living there. The area is a little shady but about two blocks down is the coolest district in Lansing which is Old Town. There's a river walk, antique stores, cafes, and boutiques. So it's worth the slightly shady neighborhood.
I met a guy through my job at the mall. His name is Marc and he has many tattoos and piercings and he's tall and funny and I have a total crush on him.
My classes are even better than I thought they would be. They're challenging and interesting and time flies when I'm studying the material. I never thought I would actually ENJOY a biology class, but I do.
I got my car back! My car had been at the mechanics for a little over 3 months and for about 3 weeks of that time I had two jobs and classes to make it to every day and no ride to get there. So now that I have it back I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders.
Plus, Autumn is going to be in Michigan very soon and this makes me very very happy! Fall is absolutely my favorite season and it's the best in the Mitten State. I'm psyched to wear scarves and sweaters and skinny jeans and drink pumpkin lattes on my way to class.
So basically I've been busy and life gets a little tiring sometimes, but overall I feel really really good about everything. Every once and a while I stop and take a breath and just smile at how awesome my life is right now. I get the feeling that this will be one of the best years of my life.

So Happy

I'm so happy with my life right now. My frame of mind is so completely unlike last year around this time when I was worried and tense about college and leaving my friends behind. Now I am moving in with them, I'm taking classes I adore, and I have a job to hand me a steady paycheck. Plus the guy I'm going to be living with has a constant stream of weed and he cooks the most delicious fucking pizzas. True story. Also, one of my best friend's birthdays is this weekend and she always throws awesome parties.
I feel so complete, so together, so organized. It is absolutely awesome.
I feel like for once I made the right choices, I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel incredibly hopeful, it's the best feeling I've had in a long time.
I feel like I get to spend the next year of my life living in my own place, with some of my best friends smoking weed, having parties, going to school and just fucking LIVING. Living the way I want to, not having to answer to anyone. I'm just so DAMN HAPPY!

Short Term Goals:
-Download a lot of the Fray and Led Zepplin for long bus rides I will probably be taking
-Get my first paycheck and buy cozy cardigans and new skinny jeans for the fall and classes
-Get my room packed and ready to move
-Buy a clear stud to wear in my nose piercing at work
-Be awesome at my new job
-Finish getting my loan money figured out
-Be this happy all the time

California in the Morning

Tomorrow I will be leaving my house at 4 a.m. to begin my long journey to the West coast. By noon or perhaps a little after, I will be in San Diego California wondering how I am so damn lucky. I will spend the week body-boarding, riding bikes along the pier, hiking in La Jolla, shopping in a huge flea market, and eating delicious west coast edibles.
I still really can't believe this is happening. This has been a goal of mine since I was a little kid and now I finally get to experience it. After all, the last time I was in California I was five years old and I cried and threw a tantrum when Shamu splashed me at Sea World. Not quite a dream vacation. But this time will be different. I will get a feel for the place. I will experience the vibes and see if I feel at home there the way I always thought I would. I will try to update from the road, but no promises seeing as I'm traveling with carry-on luggage only and I don't know if my laptop is going to fit.

Diet Update

I am currently at my lowest weight. I'm seriously zoned in on reaching my target weight and I really feel like I can do it. Every other time I've tried I've been my own worst enemy. I just couldn't find enough excuses as to why I couldn't lose weight. I realize now that the only excuse is that I was too damn lazy to do it. I really feel proud of myself for this recent weight loss though. I can tell you the weight watchers points in just about everything without even using a calculator. I know exactly what I've eaten every day. I know how much exercise I've gotten and whether it was enough to spend a few extra points on the weekend. I know every freaking detail about dieting.
I think my biggest downfall is smoking weed. Munchies really put a damper on weight loss. It's like pot shuts down the part of my brain telling me to get outside and exercise and the part that says eat the apple instead of the french fries. Instead, it lights up the part that says these chips are worth every pound you gain, or Ramen noodles really aren't THAT high in salt. Oh well, such is life.
By the way, that's me in the orange-ish shirt with the goofy smile. I wanted to find a better picture to show you guys the size I am now, but I couldn't so this what you get.
So there's the summer diet update. The next post I write will probably be about Blissfest because that's next weekend, unbelievably.

Summer To-Do List

I feel I have been putting off making a summer goal list. It's strange because when I was in high school my friends and I would spend weeks and months perfecting this magical list of highlights. But I think our lives are less predictable now. We also have much more to fill our days leading up to summer break so we don't have as much time to think about it. Nonetheless, here is my own little list. (The completed ones are in red)

1. Spend less time on the internet
2. Eat healthier
3. Take more bike rides
4. Watch a sunrise
   
5. Stop worrying about money and enjoy the free time
6. Write more
7. Draw more
8. So something creative each day
9. Read a few new books
10. Buy a new article of clothing that I feel good in
11. Take a trip to Lake Michigan with my friends
12. Go camping
13. Go to California, take a million pictures and blog about it
14. Cut back on the cigarettes
15. Take a deep breath once in a while and just be happy
16. Get to my goal weight
17. Once at my goal weight, get my tattoo to celebrate
    

The Laws of Stoners

So my friends and I decided that it would be a brilliant idea to make a book full of rules and guidelines for people who smoke weed. Just the type of stuff that you learn along the way, the little things, the habits you pick up. So here are a few we came up with along with a few of my own ideas.

1. Bring a drink with you when you go to smoke. Especially if you're going to someone's house where you aren't comfortable helping yourself to a glass of something. Bring something like water or iced tea, not pop because it will only make you more thirsty. My personal favorites are Mucho Mango Arizona Tea or Vitamin Water.
2. Bring some eye drops. Not only will it cover up the red eyes it will also feel awesome when your eyeballs feel like the Sahara desert. Plus, then you can offer to everyone else in the group.
3. If you're buying from a 'friend of a friend' try to have your middleman go with you to avoid awkward vibes and a general threat of being kidnapped.
4. Learn to break it up and pack a bowl. You don't have to know how to roll joints (I sure don't) but it's nice to have the basic skills in case you end up in a group of people, then you can politely offer to pack a bowl.
5. Own your own smoking device, whether it's a bong or a bowl or a one hitter, to avoid having to use a pop can or bottle.
6. The first time you smoke, you should be somewhere chilled out. You shouldn't be worried about your friends parents walking in and you shouldn't be with a bunch of people you vaguely know. You should be on a couch with your friends and a marathon of movies.
7. Hit the gas station or a fast food place before you smoke down. Because that cheeseburger or bag of chips will sound better than you could imagine and you won't have the motivation to go afterward.
8. If you're going to a party and bringing your stash, expect to have people asking to smoke it with you. If you want it all to yourself or to your small group of friends, smoke it before you go.
9. Do not smokebox anything if you are planning on going into public at any time in the near future.
10. Don't try to plan everything. By this I mean, don't plan on smoking and then doing something specific like taking a walk because after you smoke something else may sound way better. Like sitting around listening to music or laying outside and stargazing. Just leave it up to chance.

Prose

Wow it has been quite a while since I have updated this blog. I finished my first year of college recently, which is weird and feels strange to write out and to say. I earned pretty high marks I suppose. I really haven't been curious enough to check my grades but got a letter saying I'm on the Dean's List which I assume is a good thing. I have been doing typical college kid things since summer is upon me. Going to parties, hanging out with friends, being broke, bumming around. Still no improvement on the topic of romance, which I'm sure is a dissapointment to anyone left who kept up with this blog.

I have mostly been relishing how easy life is while simultaneously worrying about the future, which is sort of waste. I recently read a series called The Hunger Games and afterward I became obsessed with it. I forgot how much I love reading.

Instead of quitting smoking I switched my brand, to American Spirits from Marlboro Special Blends. Exciting news indeed.

I bought a new wardrobe at Goodwill.

I hung out with my friends on top of a roof at a party.

My brother went back to jail, but on charges unrelated to drugs for a change.

I looked at apartments in East Lansing and pretend I can afford them and I even go with my friends and tour them and we make vague pipe dream plans about living there but then we leave without signing anything.

It dawned on me today how long it's been since I've done anything creative like write or draw or play my ukulele or listen to really good music or watch a really really good movie. I miss being blown away by art.

I went to see Middle Class Rut play at the Loft.

I smoked and then tried eyedrops that made my eyes feel like they were minty fresh.

I went to a new hookah lounge where your group sits in cool little tent/ rooms with big floor pillows and they put fruit on top of the hookah.

I had relentless dreams about John Lennon so I took down my John and Yoko poster.

I ate a grapple, which is a grape crossed with an apple.

I had a tornado go through my area. The power went out and a I played blackjack with my dad and we bet pennies and I won because I have an awesome poker face.

I spend way too much time on Tumbr and not nearly enough trying to find a job.

AND THAT'S THE NEWS FROM MY LIFE.

Protesting the Outdoors.

I woke up today, cracked my eyelids as the sun assaulted my vision, and realized that outside my window there was a layer of snow covering the ground. I rolled over, groaned, and cursed Michigan for it's fickle sense of weather. I mean really, it's almost May! So I've spent the day pouting about it by refusing to go outdoors. I started the day by learning how to use the new french press we just bought, and smoking a cigarette inside (breaking my own rule). I then proceded to watch 3 episodes of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations and applied for about ten online jobs. I am now watching the U.K. Skins and getting on Tumblr. Later I'm going to make spaghetti and then finally I will venture outdoors top go to my sociology class. So until then, I will stay snuggled up in my freshly washed blankets watching crappy overindulgent tv shows on Netflix.

I find myself...

I find myself so often scrambling to finish my homework at the last minute. Admittedly, procrastination is one of my greatest faults! But this time it was kind of justified. Michigan had it's first warm day in about five months today. And I'm not talking sorta-kinda-maybe warm enough to go out without a jacket kind of warm, no no. I'm talking about 82 degreesunshine so bright you need sunglasses and shorts kind of weather!
So instead of sitting inside dying but responsibly completing my assignments, I went kayaking for over three hours on the Grand River. I got sunburned, I look like a lobster, but it was so beautiful. It's almost indescribable the kind of view you get from a kayak. We also stopped for lunch on the bank of the river and had crackers and strawberries and cheese and drank orange pop and just let the sun warm us up and it was so PERFECT.
It really was a beautiful way to spend an afternoon. The only problem was I had to come home and dive into the intimidatingly large pile of homework that I put off and though I am now giving up, I have been working on it since about 8 and it is now almost two in the morning. WOW. And I'm still not even all the way done! Yay college!

Oh College, You Fickle Creature

College is such an enigma to me. Sometimes I feel right at home amongst all the coffee drinking hipsters, the loud talking party girls and frat guys with their hats turned sideways talking to their bros about god knows what. Other times I'm thinking...what am I doing here? Especially when I was going to school at Central I was always at either end of the spectrum, either really happy to be out of the house, or really misplaced and lost feeling. And it wasn't just that I was living off ramen noodles and cigarettes. Things were just weird in general.
And it's not just the social aspect of it, the academia sometimes feels over my head. Other times however, something clicks and I actually feel like I'm being challenged and I'm learning something interesting and useful.
Now that I'm back at the local community college I feel like I'm cheating and taking the easy way out even though I'm told that it's the same education for a lower price. Which is probably true. But I can't help but feeling that it's the simpler option. Not as much thought and effort involved. But maybe that's good. I have always preferred doing other things with my time instead of going to class. Even in high school my attendance record wasn't great. My problems are many, they include not going to bed until very very late at night, not waking up until very late in the day, procrastination, laziness, failure to plan ahead, and the general assumption that the things I really need will find me and fall into my lap.
For these reasons and many others a four year university was a waste of money for me at this point in my life. I'm unorganized, and I'm kind of a stoner. Since getting this job I have been feeling a little more responsible but even so I'm nowhere near as prepared as I should be. Anywho, I'm applying for another job tomorrow but I also have a huge amount of work due for my writing class that is all scattered across my desk. Oh well!

4 A.M. Munchies

It's strange the foods you crave at 4 in the morning after being up all night. Even though I am not drunk, not even close, just the fact that it is so late/ early makes me crave junk food.

On the way back to my house after leaving a house party that was very sub-par, and don't worry I didn't drink or I wouldn't have driven, my friends and I stopped at the 24 hour gas station in my town. The glaring flourescent lighting, though terrible for eyes used to dimly lit rooms, shines a halo over the aisles and aisles of twinkies and potato chips.

Scanning the rows for the perfect late night snack, to top off a not so perfect evening, while still trying to remain on a diet is one of the tougher things in life.

I finally decided on chocolate milk and then came home to eat leftover chicken from who knows how long ago. Now here I sit, head throbbing quite unfairly due to the fact I did not drink, and about to crash and sleep until 1 o clock tomorrow afternoon. Hoping no one in my house wakes up. Patting myself on the back for avoiding a hangover.

I don't understand fishing metaphors!

Yah I stole the title of this post from Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs because I love that movie even though I'm way too old to be watching it.

Anyway, a few semi-interesting things have happened over the last few days. I'll start with the most important.

I don't know if I've really said it on the blog before but my job requires me to pay for parking EVERY TIME I GO. It gets really expensive because it's $1.50 an hour and I work 5 hour shifts, plus i only get paid 8 bucks an hour so come on that's like my whole first hour and a half of wages, this does not make me happy! So, being the genius I am I decided to find a new job and stop paying for parking. I got two interviews, one place offered me the position but I declined because I figured the other place was closer and I would nail the interview, so I was like 'Nope! Not gonna accept this job that is reliable and already set in stone!'

In short, I did not nail the next interview. In fact...I failed quite epically. So I already put in my two weeks notice and now I don't have any other prospects besides maybe becoming a hobo! Great right? Michigan is not exactly a pretty place for employment right now.

The other actual interesting thing is that I went to a great bonfire the other night. All my old friends were there and I made the wise choice not to drink too much and I had a really awesome night in general! It was a really good way to chill me out after all the pressure from the job hunt and class and all that jazz. Sooo anywho, that's the update on my life. Wish me luck on the job front and I hope all my dear readers are living less stressful lives! :]

Those Were the Days

What ever happened to the way I used to live? I feel that every part of life has a certain feeling to it, a certain vibe that covers everday activities and sums up the way in which your life is being conducted. A year ago that vibe started going from relaxed and happy to feeling edgy and spending days doing boring things.

My theory is that this started happening when I began spending less time with my close friends. The transition started slowly, I think the first step was when two of my friends became much closer. Which is great thing, don't get me wrong, but that's where this new stage began without a doubt. Then I left for school and drifted further from the things I had come to rely on to feel better. I felt stranded and was grasping to the things I used to love as a last ditch attempt at resuscitating my social life. It came to be that instead of doing things like going to the store together to wander around or taking walks or going on fast food runs for chicken nuggets, that our only point of contact was when we went to a party. The only social interaction was when we were drinking or smoking.

This has bled into the present. Where I now have job and a schedule for classes that gaurantees me no real social life. My two friends that became close over the summer are now like family. I don't mean to sound whiny or ungrateful, I'm just unhappy with the feeling my life has right now.

Whereas a few months ago I was sure I could do anything I wanted with the next year I now feel that I am stuck here because I don't have the monetary means to move nor do I have someone who would want to accompany me, and I'm sure living alone in another state would be just as depressing as living alone here.

So there's my two cents about the path my life has taken recently. I can only hope that things will start to look up and that I will have some kind of brilliant reawakening that brightens the things to come.

Alone, Again

I'm getting quite used to being alone. I spend most of my nights by myself for a number of reasons. Thee main one being that either my friends have to work in the mornings or they are doing their own thing. I seem to be the only one not...doing my own thing, I guess. It gets pretty lonesome considering the only other member of my household goes to bed at 8:00 every night and I can't even think about falling asleep before 3. I sit around and try to do entertaining things, I often end up doing workout tapes and wii fit around midnight and hoping none of the neighbors are awake and spying on me. I watch full seasons of t.v. shows on Netflix and I play Super Mario Brothers and I sit outside and listen to the rain.

But it does feel rather lonely I have to admit. I feel so cut off from the world late at night somtimes, like the whole planet is asleep or at least with a companion and here I sit. Again. For the thousandth night in a row. With nothing to do.

Oh well I guess it will pass. I wish I could fall asleep.

Just a Plain Good Mood

Don't you love those moments when it occurs to you how awesome things are?

For example, it has just dawned on me that I can no longer finish an entire bowl of ramen because I'm already full. It feels so awesome. My weight has gone from 199 to 179, and it's still dropping. It feels fucking GRAND.

I love all the other little things too though.

Like for example having hilarious and simultaneously deep conversations with my best friend.

Or splurging on some Nutella pancakes.

Or rewatching my favorite episode of Breaking Bad in the warmest blanket I have while it rains outside.

Or getting my History midterm back with a good grade and the word 'Smashing!' written on it.

Or hearing a new song that I really love on the radio. (Like the Lazy Song by Bruno Mars which I just discovered!)

Or late night runs to the gas station just because.

Or when the sun finally comes back out after a cold spell.

Or cleaning your room and then being excited to go to bed.

You know, the littlest stuff that makes you feel the best :]

Hola Amigos

Why hello again blog world. I haven't been posting much lately because things have been the same old same old, mostly. I've been going to class, going to work, working out, sleeping, then rinsing and repeating. So clearly I am not leading the most exciting life right now, but I'm fairly content. I'm doing my best to stretch the measly $150 dolars I make every two weeks into an account for the California trip this summer, but it's tough when $50 bucks is a third of your paycheck!

But I don't want to sit around griping about money.

I would rather focus on the positive, like the fact that I've lost 20 whole pounds! Do you know how many sticks of butter that equals? No? Well...me either, but I'm sure it's a hell of a lot. So I feel really good. Except for the one unanticipated side effect which is baggy clothes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm psyched that my clothes are fitting loosely because that means I've lost weight. However, I am currently way too broke to buy anything new so I'm kind of stuck wearing the old baggy stuff. I also sold most of my nicer clothes in the time period right after I came back from school because I was so poor I could barely afford gas for my car. That was the same time period that I was selling plasma every week, which I stopped doing after coming incredibly close to passing out and when my mouth started permanently tasting like Saline which I'm pretty sure isn't natural. So that stopped.

Aaaanywho, other than weight loss and work my life is kind of a bottomless abyss of Netflix and essays. All I can say is I cannot wait for the warm weather to start rolling in so I can break out the roller blades and start going outside again!

The Progression of Obsession

Over the years I have been infatuated by many famous people. Often I would become so interested in them that I would turn into a creep and start stalking their every move. This was generally before I used the internet on a regular basis and so most of it was magazines and movies and crap on Mtv. So here's a little post about the progression of my obsessions!

1) Jack White of The White Stripes.
I think I became obsessed more with the band The White Stripes than I did with Jack White in particular. I loved every single song they put out. (Of course that has changed since Get Behind Me Satan was released...) I was also infatuated with Jack White because he hails from Detroit and I love anyone who comes out of Michigan. This obsession was probably from age 11-13, more or less a passing phase in which I decided to marry him.

2) Bert McCracken of The Used.
This one started around age 14 and still lingers today. I don't know what it is about him that I found so attractive but I did. Maybe his long stringy hair or the way he used to be a crack head...my 14 year old brain must have found some reason. Whenever asked the question 'if you could make out with anyone on Earth who would it be?' my answer was always Bert McCracken. I of course was a very devout fan of The Used and have been to see them a few times in concert. I still love their music although their recent stuff has become a little wimpy.

3) Edward Norton in Fight Club.
After watching Fight Club around the age of 16 I decided Edward Norton was the most attractive man on planet Earth. I immediately tracked down other movies he was in and generally admired his charm. I still see the logic in this crush because I still think Edward Norton is handsome. He's one of those men that gets better with age. The ironic thing is that Brad Pitt is in Fight Club too and yet I never gave hima second thought...

4)Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman.
This brings me to my most recent celebrity crush which you all already know about, and that is Aaron Paul. He plays Jesse Pinkman on my favorite show of all time, Breaking Bad. I have also seen him in a few obscure things like an episode of the X-Files and a low budget thing on Netflix called Daydreamer. I think his acting skills are amazing and his blue eyes make me melt. Since I now have 24/7 access to the internet this one is probably the worst because I can look up articles, videos, interviews, and fanpages without seeming like a creep. Except that you all know that now so I probably do look like a creep...oh well.

Give it up

I am currently staring deep into the abyss of my almost empty cigarette pack. There is only one lonely stick rolling around in there and after tomorrow there will be none. I am making a pact with myself to see how long I can go without smoking. I haven't really prepared for this in any manner and it's a bit impromptu considering I just came up with the idea yesterday. I don't really know how people go about quitting cigarettes besides the fact that you're supposed to eat a lot of hard candy to keep your mouth preoccupied and not thinking about inhaling nicotine.

Is there nicotine withdrawl? Well I suppose there is and that's what makes you cranky when you can't smoke. Sooooo we'll see how this goes, maybe I should stock up on junk food or movies or something? Well, anyway, see you in a bit.

Boredom, My Worst Enemy

There are many terrible things that one can come into contact with, like I don't know, poison or murder or herpes. But for me, one of the worst things is to be severely bored. The feeling of seriously considering staring at the wall for an hour just for something else to do, now that is a crappy feeling.

That has been my life for the past couple of days. Even though it is technically spring break and the week started out quite well, I have spent all of today laying around and doing a whole lotta nothing. Plus I have had a mild fever and an on and off headache, so I'm generally grumpy right now!

I finished watching season one of Breaking Bad plus I looked through the special features. I got to world 6 in Super Mario. I did tae-bo, TWICE. I took an excessively long shower. I painted my toenails. I tried to make the cat entertain me, she did not. I tried to cook food and ended up with a lot of dirty dishes and the confirmation that I indeed cannot cook. I stayed on Tumblr for a couple of hours. I updated my Netflix queue. I smoked out of boredom. I went for a walk. And now it's only 9:00 at night and I still am bored out of my mind.

Maybe I should get a hobby. Who's up for collecting stamps! Not me. I suppose I could clean or do homework or something else constructive, but we all know that's not gonna happen. So I guess I'm doomed to spend the night mulling over bad life choices that I could make that would make my existance more exciting, like becoming a drug dealer or joining a gang! Or I could just start counting the fibers in the carpet until I go blind or insane, whichever comes first.

Or I'll do what I do best and continue to troll the internet looking for stuff about Aaron Paul and other amusing things. Yeaaaaaah, life is pretty awesome.

To be a daydreamer

Quite often I feel that I should be doing something more productive with my life. I wish I had both the funds and the initiative to be doing the things I want to be doing, instead of doing the typical college thing. Plus, I feel like I'm really really bad at being a student. Like...incredibly bad. Learning has never been my forte, despite my love affair with words and the English language, I have always failed to put forth the effort that is required to become a good student. I have hippie genes, and have always been more compelled to spend hours listening to new music or daydreaming or reading a book than to go to class or get homework done on time.
Even at this very moment I should be writing a paper for my English class and what am I doing instead? Playing Super Mario, blogging, and feeling guilty for cutting out of class early today. My head is always in the clouds, it's something that has at times been a good thing but in the vast majority of my life it has brought me down. Being a dreamer has its perks, but it can be a real fault at times.
My mind is constantly jumping from one thing to another, rapidly switching gears and topics like there's no tomorrow! I blame technology.
Anyway...I suppose I should start that paper now...but before doing so I thought I should inform you of a very important life altering decision I have made.
I have decided to purchase Season 1 and 2 of Breaking Bad...TOMORROW! Yes, shocking I know. I found both seasons on sale at Target for an incredibly good price and I figure it's a damn good way to spend one of my first paychecks from a job I am quickly starting to loathe.
Good day to you.

The Morning After

There is a certain variation of nausea that accompanies a hangover isn't there? A specific turmoil in your stomach gurgles, threatening to throw out all that alcohol you made it ingest last night. The tequilla that seemed so friendly at 2 A.M. is now having a full on fist fight with that shot of Southern Comfort. The light burrows into your eyes, and the throbbing in your brain is making you question your sanity.

There have been many claims made about the miracle hangover cure, but from personal experience I'm gonna go ahead and say there is no miracle. Just a test of your will power as you wonder whether or not you could eat a saltine cracker without vomiting.

On top of the physical pain that forces you to wear sunglasses indoors and repress the urge to puke, there is the emotional turmoil of remembering what terribly embarrasing act you may have commited the night before. The cringe enducing trip down memory lane in which you may recall tripping in front of large groups of people, vomiting in public places, or in my friend's case, cuddling with a corn dog. The blurry memories of it all only add to what is always the worst morning ever.

I myself awoke this morning with a hell of a hangover, it was out for vengeance. So being the suave internet whiz that I am, I trolled the web for possible solutions to this unique feeling of sickness. One blog boasted that exercise was the only way to burn through even the worst of morning after comatose. So, being desperate, I decided to attempt some kickboxing type stuff that I had been doing for the past few weeks. Little did I know this would actually lead me to feel as if my stomach was in a blender. The next thing I tried was a hot shower, this made me feel dehydrated. The final attempt was some hot soup which was consumed about an hour ago, and now I am lying in the fetal position wrapped up in a heavy blanket staring at my computer screen wondering where my life went wrong.

Moral of the story? The morning after is horrible and should be avoided at all costs.

These are a few of my favorite things

It seems that lately I've been easily distractable, always daydreaming about filling the empty white pages sprawled out before me, waiting to be filled with the choices I make and the places I go. But the choices I will make are a ways off and for now I tend to thrive on obsession. I have a 'thing' for many things. This is the jist of what my mind is constantly focused on.

1) Aaron Paul. I would say my this has definately reached obsession level. I mean, it's clearly just an incredible desire for new Breaking Bad which I cannot have until July. But still, I follow the fuckyeahaaronpaul tumblr, and the Breaking Bad blog. Plus I've spent many an hour trolling the web for random interviews and appearances made by this handsom fellow.

2) Owls. This is nothing new, I've had a fondness for owls for a couple of years, but it is definately one of the things I love to track down. Anything printed with owls, owl shaped, or relatively owl related catches my eye quite easily. For example, I have a large overstuffed orb shaped owl named Oliver residing on my bed right now. I am resting on him as I write this in fact.




3) Waterfalls. This is one of those things I just strive to find. I associate waterfalls with the life I want to lead, uninhibited and free. Plus waterfalls are almost always located in beautiful places that I want to see and or live in. I will probably spend the rest of my life making detours to swim in waterfalls.

4) The planning of my trip to California this summer. Every free moment in which my brain is emptied of all things interesting, my thoughts wander to California. Especially now, with two feet of snow covering my silver Alero parked in the driveway. The piers, the sun, the fresh fruit, the music. Odds are that I love the idea of California more than I will actually love the place. But it's a great way to spend time daydreaming.

Sooooooooo

The sun has once again fled from the sky and Michigan is stuck with gray clouds and enormous amounts of snow. It has been snowing since about 5 o' clock yesterday afternoon plus, as an added bonus, there have been on and off showers of freezing rain! Score!
So basically I've been holed up in my living room, body covered completely with heavy blankets to save money on heating, spending endless hours trolling the internet.
I have also managed to drag myself up a couple of times to either put a new movie in the VCR (yah I still use a VCR, what about it?) or to spend the required amount of time exercising in order to not nix everything I've done for my diet so far.
The highlight of the past 24 hours would definately be The Fly, a classic 80's movie about a man turning into an insect, which is suprisingly still very creepy. As well as Fight Club. Although I have already seen Fight Club far too many times to count, I still enjoy watching it for various reasons. You know, like seeing if I can mouth along with every word like a big creep, or just to see Meatloaf in all his glory as 'Bitch Tits Bob'. Good times.
So I'm stuck here dreaming of California beaches and a thermometer that reads above 15 degrees. I even cleaned voluntarily due to pure unadulterated boredom. That is frightening. Anyway, not a whole lot else to update on. Weight loss is up to about 13 pounds, and my will power is being tested by endless cravings for french fries. My classes are still going as well as can be expected. And Spring break plans are coming together. So until next time dear readers, I bid you adieu.

Not A Valentines Day Post

Even though today is that fabled day of anatomically incorrect hearts and Halllmark crafted sentiments ready made in a box of chocolates, I'm not going to write a post about it. Because truly, this day has no effect on my whatsoever. It's just another day in the life. My romantic plans are to clean the house, do laundry, paint my toenails, and then go to class. Wooooooooo!

Anywho, what I really wanted to write about is my excitement for next year. The thing is that I actually have no plan whatsoever for what I'm doing, and it thrills the crap out of me. I can literally do anything I want to, I can move anywhere as long as the city has a community college and a job for me. I realize these plans are a bit naive and perhaps a bit childish, but its exhilarating to know I can go wherever the wind blows me. Yah, I just used that cliche, that's what's up.

So also Im taking a road trip across this beautiful country of ours this summer all the way from my home in Michigan, to the sunny harmony of California. I can't put into words how excited I am for this trip. As is probably clear by now, I love travelling. I especially love road trips where there's someone else to share the driving. There's no feeling in the world quite like the breeze in your hair, barefeet out the window, and something acoustic playing through the speakers. So hopefully I can stick with all the things I've been trying to do, I.E., saving money and losing weight. And by this summer, I will be headed to California with a new look and some money in my pocket. Also, perhaps a tattoo...but more on that later.

Beautiful.

I awoke the morning of my trip to the Caribbean at 6 a.m. after tossing and turning and twisting my blankets until 3 in the morning. My mind never lets me sleep when I want to. Instead I spent the night with too many thoughts roiling in my brain, too many choices to make. I showered and got in the car, arrived at the Detroit airport and stared longingly at muffins packed with calories, bacon egg and cheese sandwiches tempting my will. Instead I opted for the 12 animal crackers in my backpack knowing the exact caloric intake in each mammal shaped cookie.
I boarded, zone 5, seat 17D. I thanked my lucky stars for the aisle seat and resisted the urge to make jokes about Fight Club to the boy next to me as the flight attendant pointed to the cardboard foldout with the evacuation procedures on it. Besides, he was wearing a Carharrt jacket, I didn't think he would get it.
I had a connecting flight in North Carolina where I also got the opportunity to meet the worst person ever. Her name was Rachel. She was the devil reincarnate. This flight took me to San Juan where the trip officially began. The first stop from here was Curacao, a small island that has a mix of underdeveloped neighborhoods and tourist infested areas, beautiful old forts turned into outdoor strip malls. The houses all had red tiled roof the color of burned bricks and the air smelled like salt and coffee.
The next stop was Aruba. Beautiful beaches, white sand, soft and fine. Hot sun and slow turning ceiling fans in outdoor cafes. I drank a cocktail called a summer breeze and wore sunglasses that looked like Audrey Hepburn's in Breakfast at Tiffany's. The houses were the color of popsicles and the locals were all bored with their jobs. Everything was expensive, nine dollars for a beer, eleven dollars for a mixed drink.
After Aruba was Dominica, my favorite of all the islands. We took the bus past double rainbows sprouting from the mountainside and dark skinned vendors, weather worn with watery blue eyes looking out from under their Rastafarian hats. Selling ginger soda and island remedies. The twisting roads took us to the rain forest bordering the Emerald Pools. We hiked the slanted terrain until we were staring down at a breathtakingly beautiful waterfall that roared into a pool filled with lush green plants. We jumped from a high rock into the ice cold water, fresh as a new rainfall. I floated on my back staring at the blue sky dappled with tall green life, white clouds, cliffs rubbed smooth. It was the happiest moment of my whole life. I think I'll forever carry it with me, pull it out when I'm feeling lost.
It's amazing the things you miss when you live so many months in the snow and wind of Michigan. Wearing a t-shirt outside, the sun warming your face, bare feet in the grass, bronze skin glowing warm in the sunshine. I got a taste of all these things this week. I never wanted to come back.

SO DAMN TORN

I am really really struggling with this decision on what to do next year. Two months ago I was so enthusiastic about the idea of getting an apartment with my friends in such a fun city, but now I feel so out of the loop. I feel like the plans they're making are for them, and it really doesn't matter one way or the other what I decide to do. I love them to death, but the closeness I have with them doesn't even compare to what they share with each other. I'm afraid that if I don't go, they will become even closer and I'll lose touch with them and that would be awful, it would be detrimental to my life. On the other hand, if I go and things continue the way they've been going as far as the three of us I will feel alone anyway.
This is probably the hardest choice I've made. If I stay in Lansing for another year I'll feel like I'm missing out on the experience of living the college party life and living with two of the best people I know. If I go to Kalamazoo I could regret it and I would be signed into that lease, of about $400 per month, for twelve months. I am so fucking confused and mad at myself for being so confused.
Maybe the fact that I'm struggling so much with whether to go up there or not means I shouldn't go, but I'm struggling just as much with the idea of staying at home. I feel like I want to cry. I have no idea what to do and I only have a few hours to make up my mind. What if I'm passing up the best year of my life? Or what if I'm making a huge mistake that will cost my thousands of dollars and basically a year of feeling left out? What the fuck does one do in this situation? Seriously, what the hell should I do? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING LOST.

Stoner Kids

This post really has nothing to do with weed, but the title totally got you interested, eh, eh?

Aaanywho, this week has been strangely calm compared to the last seven days. I haven't even worked since Saturday, and I've had two fairly easy non-stressful classes to handle.

Really the only things I've been thinking about a lot are two very opposite ideas. The first, is a trip that I want to take this summer. I want to hike a part of the Appalachian Trail starting in Georgia. I watched a documentary on it recently and now I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so damn beautiful. I had no idea something like that even existed and now I must go see it! Just the idea of standing on top of a mountain and seeing that view...it blows my mind.

The second thing I've been giving a lot of thought to is my living arrangement for next year. The plan is to get an apartment a couple cities over with two of my good friends. The only problem I have with this is...well they're basically best friends and I often feel like a third wheel when hanging out with them. I feel they are super close and have tons of inside jokes and I'm just sitting there in my own world being lame. And if I were to handle this feeling for 12 monthes I fear I might get depressed and it would not be a good situation.

So those are the two things that take up most of my brain time lately, yah I have brain time. Other than that I have been trolling around Netflix looking for weird side project movies that my favorite actors happen to be in. You know, things from the 90's that were clearly done just to make a living and now they look back at them and they're like "Aww man, that's embarrasing." Yup, that's how I like my actors, ashamed! Good stuff.

As far as the diet, there is good news to report. I am now down a whole ten pounds and I don't intend on stopping! So thirty pounds by summer, here I come. SHABAM!

Somewhere in Between

I'm in a very weird mood. I was happy, because I jumped on the scale this morning, not literally, and it told me I had lost almost four pounds last week. But last night was loooong and I had too much time to think and sit by myself and do nothing. I spent so much time watching independent films on Netflix and watching documentaries about beautiful places I will probably never get to see, and I felt weirdly bummed out. This mood kind of carried over to today and the fact that I had really wanted to get out and do something today but instead have just been sitting here, does not help.

I think I get too stuck in my head and just want everything to be one way, and then all of a sudden real life is something completely opposite. It's frustrating. Why can't life just be my perfect dream world all the time?

I guess that the last few days just haven't been that good. The last few days meaning pretty much from last Monday until now. I just feel so blah. Maybe I'm bipolar. Who knows! At any rate, lets hope things are looking up. I just need to get out of this damn house and do something fun.

Hello Handsome

So I think it just needs to be decided that I will marry Aaron Paul. It needs to happen, sooo yah. It's settled. I mean it's no secret that I have a serious love for Breaking Bad, but it just so happens that every other thing he's ever been in, is damn good. Even if it's low budget. Plus, bonus fun fact, I found out today that he was once a contestant on the Price Is Right.

Adventure Time!

Lately I have been feeling very productive. I've been thriving on change and feeling like I've finally got everything in semi handle-able order. It's a very good feeling and one I rarely experience due to my total lack of motivation in almost every area of my life.

Classes start again tomorrow and I'm actually pretty psyched. My new job is going well. In case you didn't hear, I am now a telephone survey taker for MSU. I sit in a basement and call hundreds of people and ask them very politely to answer a few questions about their health or the world around them. People are very rude. They hang up and they get mad even though I'm not asking for money and I would think people would like someone taking interest in their lives. So if someone calls you and asks you to take a survey, just say yes. Because it's inexpicably wonderful to have someone polite on the other line after two hunderd hang ups in a hot basement.

Other than that, an adventure is on the horizon. In a little less than two weeks you will find me sailing around the Carribean sea stopping in Aruba, St. Thomas, and Dominica. I think I would say I am most excited to get a tan on this trip. Oh god how I miss the sun. I don't know if any of my dear readers have ever lived in Michigan during the winter, but if not I'll paint you a little picture.

Imagine waking up every day to a grey sky and below freezing temperatures. Snow, freezing rain, sleet, slush and every other damp substance creeps into your shoes, your socks, your pant legs, and your skin. You can't go outside without your nosehairs freezing. You can't get in your car without your teeth chattering. You avoid going outside unless completely nessecary and when you do it gets dark at 5:00 anyway.

So ya know, a week in the sun is something most people in this state would literally kill for right now.

Also, just as a side note, I have decided that when I meet my weight loss goal I will reward myself with a brand new absolutely gorgeous dress from modcloth.com! My goal is 30 lbs by September so keep checking back for updates.

P.S. Heres one of the dresses I have my eye on

Skinny

So call me crazy, but it appears my new year's resolution is actually being completed. I have been steadily losing .5 of a pound each day for the last week and a half. That is a beautiful thing. At this rate I will be back down to my goal weight in no time!

Contributing factors to this weight loss are many. The biggest one is definately will power. I have finally snapped my mind into place and am refusing to screw myself over this time. Once you see the numbers dropping on the scale it's hard to start eating junk again.

I also have this new work out...thing. I take my dogs for a walk through the freezing cold snow covered woods each day for at least an hour, it's worth it because Michigan is beyond beautiful in the winter. Then when I get home I either do a half hour of tae-bo or a half hour of Wii Fit. Clearly the Tae-Bo is more physically demanding, but the Wii is more fun and therefore what I usually end up doing. That Hula Hoop game is so fun I can't stay away, so sue me.

In any case I hope to be 7 lbs lighter by the time I leave for the cruise to Aruba in the first week of February. That gives me about two weeks, and I think it's do-able. Some say that this is to quick to lose weight, but my body doesn't seem to mind so I'm not worried. Besides I'm doing this in a very healthy way, I'm not starving myself or eating only cottage cheese or working out for 18 hours a day. So I think it's all good.

Stoned

I can't tell whether today's culture is doing a better job of glamourizing drug use and underrage drinking, or making it more taboo than it's ever been. Either way I think the youth today is as, if not more, dead set on experiencing drugs and alcohol as those teenagers living in the summer of love.

But our drug culture isn't that of our grandparents. We do drugs as a way of rebellion, yes, this we may have in common. But we don't do them out of innocent curiosity, we do them with a purpose. We want to say we've done them. Be part of a group that does these types of things. We aim for the free love of previous generations but we end up in a jaded place that is a more of a passage into other things then anything else.

We get drunk in the night clubs of the world. We party for a purpose. We feel a connection to those who do the same. We broadcast our inebriation on MTV and we make shows on VH1 about our overdoses and we hang onto the idea that we are all the same when it comes to this one thing.

That is the main difference between how things used to be and how things are today. In the 60's people did drugs to be different, unique, new, revolutionary, something completely unrelated to their parents.

Today we do it because it's what you're supposed to do. It's a natural progression. It is justified BECAUSE our parents did it, not in spite of them.

My concern for our generation is that we will never do anything new. We will not have a revolution. We will not forge our own paths but simply follow those who have gone before.

I hope I'm wrong. I realize that this generation has things to offer, things that are individual only to those of us born recent enough to understand we are modern, things that should be embraced. Maybe I was just born in the wrong era.

What's Up 2011?

The new year was welcomed standing in a mass of friends, counting down from ten as we watched the ball drop on my laptop, a drink in my hand and a frilled noise maker in my mouth. It was loud, noisy, everyone was feeding off eachother's energy and simultaneously trying to speak over everyone else in the room. It was loud, it was insane. It was perfect.
It feels damn good to wave goodbye to 2010. It wasn't a terrible year, but it wasn't great. My life was missing any kind of solid direction, I was constantly guessing and often times my guesses were incorrect and lead to more mistakes. I felt like I was faking it, like everyone would find out at any second that this was not where I was supposed to be. I had pipe dreams, but no plan. Only the assumption that things would happen for me because they happened for everyone else.
This year I want to do many things differently. I want to break the addictions I have, the two main ones being nicotine (cigarettes) and procrastination (the ability to fuck everything up by waiting until the last minute). I want to make a serious attempt at getting organized, because god knows that has never been my strong suit. I also want to police myself, so to speak. I want to make sure I don't fall to deep into partying and loose track of everything else. I want to make sure I try my absolute best in class. I don't want to quit smoking weed because I don't feel it is negatively affecting my life in any manner, and therefore I don't see it as a problem.
So here are my other resolutions circa 2011.
-Be happy for what I have and not bitter for what I do not
-Say 'Yes' to everything for one day
-Visit a new City
-Read one book a month
-Be loved
-Face fears
-Listen to and appreciate more music
-Go to a baseball game
-Embrace my personal style
-Go on a roadtrip with no predetermined destination
-Get a tattoo
-Feel healthy again
-Stop making up excuses