SO DAMN TORN

I am really really struggling with this decision on what to do next year. Two months ago I was so enthusiastic about the idea of getting an apartment with my friends in such a fun city, but now I feel so out of the loop. I feel like the plans they're making are for them, and it really doesn't matter one way or the other what I decide to do. I love them to death, but the closeness I have with them doesn't even compare to what they share with each other. I'm afraid that if I don't go, they will become even closer and I'll lose touch with them and that would be awful, it would be detrimental to my life. On the other hand, if I go and things continue the way they've been going as far as the three of us I will feel alone anyway.
This is probably the hardest choice I've made. If I stay in Lansing for another year I'll feel like I'm missing out on the experience of living the college party life and living with two of the best people I know. If I go to Kalamazoo I could regret it and I would be signed into that lease, of about $400 per month, for twelve months. I am so fucking confused and mad at myself for being so confused.
Maybe the fact that I'm struggling so much with whether to go up there or not means I shouldn't go, but I'm struggling just as much with the idea of staying at home. I feel like I want to cry. I have no idea what to do and I only have a few hours to make up my mind. What if I'm passing up the best year of my life? Or what if I'm making a huge mistake that will cost my thousands of dollars and basically a year of feeling left out? What the fuck does one do in this situation? Seriously, what the hell should I do? BECAUSE I'M FUCKING LOST.

Stoner Kids

This post really has nothing to do with weed, but the title totally got you interested, eh, eh?

Aaanywho, this week has been strangely calm compared to the last seven days. I haven't even worked since Saturday, and I've had two fairly easy non-stressful classes to handle.

Really the only things I've been thinking about a lot are two very opposite ideas. The first, is a trip that I want to take this summer. I want to hike a part of the Appalachian Trail starting in Georgia. I watched a documentary on it recently and now I can't stop thinking about it. It's just so damn beautiful. I had no idea something like that even existed and now I must go see it! Just the idea of standing on top of a mountain and seeing that view...it blows my mind.

The second thing I've been giving a lot of thought to is my living arrangement for next year. The plan is to get an apartment a couple cities over with two of my good friends. The only problem I have with this is...well they're basically best friends and I often feel like a third wheel when hanging out with them. I feel they are super close and have tons of inside jokes and I'm just sitting there in my own world being lame. And if I were to handle this feeling for 12 monthes I fear I might get depressed and it would not be a good situation.

So those are the two things that take up most of my brain time lately, yah I have brain time. Other than that I have been trolling around Netflix looking for weird side project movies that my favorite actors happen to be in. You know, things from the 90's that were clearly done just to make a living and now they look back at them and they're like "Aww man, that's embarrasing." Yup, that's how I like my actors, ashamed! Good stuff.

As far as the diet, there is good news to report. I am now down a whole ten pounds and I don't intend on stopping! So thirty pounds by summer, here I come. SHABAM!

Somewhere in Between

I'm in a very weird mood. I was happy, because I jumped on the scale this morning, not literally, and it told me I had lost almost four pounds last week. But last night was loooong and I had too much time to think and sit by myself and do nothing. I spent so much time watching independent films on Netflix and watching documentaries about beautiful places I will probably never get to see, and I felt weirdly bummed out. This mood kind of carried over to today and the fact that I had really wanted to get out and do something today but instead have just been sitting here, does not help.

I think I get too stuck in my head and just want everything to be one way, and then all of a sudden real life is something completely opposite. It's frustrating. Why can't life just be my perfect dream world all the time?

I guess that the last few days just haven't been that good. The last few days meaning pretty much from last Monday until now. I just feel so blah. Maybe I'm bipolar. Who knows! At any rate, lets hope things are looking up. I just need to get out of this damn house and do something fun.

Hello Handsome

So I think it just needs to be decided that I will marry Aaron Paul. It needs to happen, sooo yah. It's settled. I mean it's no secret that I have a serious love for Breaking Bad, but it just so happens that every other thing he's ever been in, is damn good. Even if it's low budget. Plus, bonus fun fact, I found out today that he was once a contestant on the Price Is Right.

Adventure Time!

Lately I have been feeling very productive. I've been thriving on change and feeling like I've finally got everything in semi handle-able order. It's a very good feeling and one I rarely experience due to my total lack of motivation in almost every area of my life.

Classes start again tomorrow and I'm actually pretty psyched. My new job is going well. In case you didn't hear, I am now a telephone survey taker for MSU. I sit in a basement and call hundreds of people and ask them very politely to answer a few questions about their health or the world around them. People are very rude. They hang up and they get mad even though I'm not asking for money and I would think people would like someone taking interest in their lives. So if someone calls you and asks you to take a survey, just say yes. Because it's inexpicably wonderful to have someone polite on the other line after two hunderd hang ups in a hot basement.

Other than that, an adventure is on the horizon. In a little less than two weeks you will find me sailing around the Carribean sea stopping in Aruba, St. Thomas, and Dominica. I think I would say I am most excited to get a tan on this trip. Oh god how I miss the sun. I don't know if any of my dear readers have ever lived in Michigan during the winter, but if not I'll paint you a little picture.

Imagine waking up every day to a grey sky and below freezing temperatures. Snow, freezing rain, sleet, slush and every other damp substance creeps into your shoes, your socks, your pant legs, and your skin. You can't go outside without your nosehairs freezing. You can't get in your car without your teeth chattering. You avoid going outside unless completely nessecary and when you do it gets dark at 5:00 anyway.

So ya know, a week in the sun is something most people in this state would literally kill for right now.

Also, just as a side note, I have decided that when I meet my weight loss goal I will reward myself with a brand new absolutely gorgeous dress from modcloth.com! My goal is 30 lbs by September so keep checking back for updates.

P.S. Heres one of the dresses I have my eye on

Skinny

So call me crazy, but it appears my new year's resolution is actually being completed. I have been steadily losing .5 of a pound each day for the last week and a half. That is a beautiful thing. At this rate I will be back down to my goal weight in no time!

Contributing factors to this weight loss are many. The biggest one is definately will power. I have finally snapped my mind into place and am refusing to screw myself over this time. Once you see the numbers dropping on the scale it's hard to start eating junk again.

I also have this new work out...thing. I take my dogs for a walk through the freezing cold snow covered woods each day for at least an hour, it's worth it because Michigan is beyond beautiful in the winter. Then when I get home I either do a half hour of tae-bo or a half hour of Wii Fit. Clearly the Tae-Bo is more physically demanding, but the Wii is more fun and therefore what I usually end up doing. That Hula Hoop game is so fun I can't stay away, so sue me.

In any case I hope to be 7 lbs lighter by the time I leave for the cruise to Aruba in the first week of February. That gives me about two weeks, and I think it's do-able. Some say that this is to quick to lose weight, but my body doesn't seem to mind so I'm not worried. Besides I'm doing this in a very healthy way, I'm not starving myself or eating only cottage cheese or working out for 18 hours a day. So I think it's all good.

Stoned

I can't tell whether today's culture is doing a better job of glamourizing drug use and underrage drinking, or making it more taboo than it's ever been. Either way I think the youth today is as, if not more, dead set on experiencing drugs and alcohol as those teenagers living in the summer of love.

But our drug culture isn't that of our grandparents. We do drugs as a way of rebellion, yes, this we may have in common. But we don't do them out of innocent curiosity, we do them with a purpose. We want to say we've done them. Be part of a group that does these types of things. We aim for the free love of previous generations but we end up in a jaded place that is a more of a passage into other things then anything else.

We get drunk in the night clubs of the world. We party for a purpose. We feel a connection to those who do the same. We broadcast our inebriation on MTV and we make shows on VH1 about our overdoses and we hang onto the idea that we are all the same when it comes to this one thing.

That is the main difference between how things used to be and how things are today. In the 60's people did drugs to be different, unique, new, revolutionary, something completely unrelated to their parents.

Today we do it because it's what you're supposed to do. It's a natural progression. It is justified BECAUSE our parents did it, not in spite of them.

My concern for our generation is that we will never do anything new. We will not have a revolution. We will not forge our own paths but simply follow those who have gone before.

I hope I'm wrong. I realize that this generation has things to offer, things that are individual only to those of us born recent enough to understand we are modern, things that should be embraced. Maybe I was just born in the wrong era.

What's Up 2011?

The new year was welcomed standing in a mass of friends, counting down from ten as we watched the ball drop on my laptop, a drink in my hand and a frilled noise maker in my mouth. It was loud, noisy, everyone was feeding off eachother's energy and simultaneously trying to speak over everyone else in the room. It was loud, it was insane. It was perfect.
It feels damn good to wave goodbye to 2010. It wasn't a terrible year, but it wasn't great. My life was missing any kind of solid direction, I was constantly guessing and often times my guesses were incorrect and lead to more mistakes. I felt like I was faking it, like everyone would find out at any second that this was not where I was supposed to be. I had pipe dreams, but no plan. Only the assumption that things would happen for me because they happened for everyone else.
This year I want to do many things differently. I want to break the addictions I have, the two main ones being nicotine (cigarettes) and procrastination (the ability to fuck everything up by waiting until the last minute). I want to make a serious attempt at getting organized, because god knows that has never been my strong suit. I also want to police myself, so to speak. I want to make sure I don't fall to deep into partying and loose track of everything else. I want to make sure I try my absolute best in class. I don't want to quit smoking weed because I don't feel it is negatively affecting my life in any manner, and therefore I don't see it as a problem.
So here are my other resolutions circa 2011.
-Be happy for what I have and not bitter for what I do not
-Say 'Yes' to everything for one day
-Visit a new City
-Read one book a month
-Be loved
-Face fears
-Listen to and appreciate more music
-Go to a baseball game
-Embrace my personal style
-Go on a roadtrip with no predetermined destination
-Get a tattoo
-Feel healthy again
-Stop making up excuses