A Good Workout and a Lackluster Holiday.

Before: 199 lbs, 2012

After: 138 lbs, 2014

I've been struggling to keep up with my weight, if not just my health in general since I've gotten so comfortable around Jared. I love him for making me feel so beautiful in my own skin, but I don't want to let everything I've worked for slide away just because he thinks I look ok with a few extra pounds. Another thing I may have neglected to mention, since I have not posted in so long, is that I have lost a total of about 60 pounds, give or take. I started at 199 as my highest weight and my lowest weight so far has been 134, but I currently weigh about 140. For some reason I've just started noticing lately that I'm not as happy at this weight as I was a year ago. I keep comparing myself to everyone around me to see if I look normal or if I'm still fat and no one has bothered to tell me.

This is a lingering habit from when I was really overweight, walk into a room and assess whether you are the largest person there. I still don't see myself as an attractive person, I still see myself as overweight, chubby, and just not put together right. But Jared loves my body in such a genuine way it makes me question whether we're looking at the same person sometimes.

I just finished a very hard workout because I wanted to burn as many calories as possible. I'm hoping that Jared and I will go out for dinner or something of that sort when he gets out of work tonight, because it's VALENTINE'S DAY! This is the first year of my entire life that I have had a boyfriend, a real, serious, not unrequited crush BOYFRIEND. Although he is a boyfriend who has no money, so I didn't get flowers or a cute box of chocolates or anything. But he did try adorably hard to give me a gift by making me a candle lit lunch of grilled cheese today. Actually, the fact is that Jared and I have been together for an entire year now and I have never gotten a nice, real, bouquet of flowers from him. No teddy bears, no chocolates, no cutesy stuff of any kind. Not even a mix cd.

I know I shouldn't complain, love makes up for all of that and blah, blah, blah. But dammit, I try really hard to be a good girlfriend to him and I would really like some cliché boyfriend stuff once in a while! I don't think he sees it as something that matters to me, because I don't want to make it a big deal or make him feel inadequate, but damn if it isn't a disappointment sometimes.